words fail me

I was doing some writing on memories and I got a bit of a jolt. See, I think I don't have memories but what I have just don't fit my concept of memories. I remembered a feeling I used to get when I stayed at my Grandma's in the apartment where we lived before we (my parents, my brother and I) moved out. She would put me up in the apartment and I would have this feeling come over me that I do not have the language to describe. It was a feeling of such despair and saddness and .... Iike all the joy had been sucke dout of my world. It left me frozen in ...what? Despair, sorrow? I don't know. all I know is that never, in my life have I ever felt such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and grief as I would when I stayed in our old apartment. I guess my Grandma thought I would like staying there.
The feeling was so scary. Mostly because I was afraid it wan't going to go away. It happened every time I stayed there. And it seemed so timeless. I was always afraid that this would be the time it didn't go away. This would be the time I was condemned to live with that crushing feeling for the rest of my life.

I have not thought about that feeling for a long time. I had forgotten it even happened.

What the hell was that?