I went to my first couseling session at paar yesterday. Many things feel wrong.
- It could be that I am just scared. It could be.
- It could be that I was told I needed to give up a longterm theraputic relationship if I am to work with a counselor from paar. Which scares the shit out of me.
- It could be that the woman I saw told me that the gaps in my memory mean I have already begun to split my *self*. (This would be the reason I can't have two therapists (even though paar would be a short term situation) Cause having two different therapies would further the split.
- And prevent me from *integrating the trauma*.
- Plus, somehow I feel violated that a stranger told me this stuff at a first session.
And now I am living on Planet No One Cares again. My list of people to call, which I have not used except to call and say hi to people is not working and most people are not calling or texting me back. Yep, I'm texting people to ask if they can talk. Because if I call them and they say they can't talk I start crying. If I text them and they can't talk or they don't text me back, at least they don't know I'm crying.
I am not very comfortable being so emotional. I don't know what to do with me when I get like this. Some things help for short periods of time. Like, I cast a circle and had some time with my Goddesses and I was okay for a while. And then it all comes crashing back. Like I can't keep it at bay long enough to be okay for any real length of time.
What the hell is going on with me? Having been here before is only marginally helpful. I still feel so hopless and despairing. And unable, except perhaps in sacred space, to advocate for myself. Or something like that.
Did I mention that I felt violated in some way by this woman's statements? I did. I didn't have words for it at the time. Only tears. And a feeling a despair and disappointment. How can I learn to figure out who to trust when *helping* people can do such apparent damage and still mean to help?
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