um...wow

I had no idea that trance journey would stick with me like it did. and in a way that was really hard to be with. It didn't shift for a week. I promised her I would check on her but now I'm afraid I'll be in tears for another week after. I wanted to sort of free her up so she doesn't take me by surprise when I don't know about it. My therapist says trance work is one way to integrate my selves. But she does not participate in it. It's just me and this baby self. And she's got a lot of needs, let me just say. And when she is the surface personality it's nearly impossible to meet them for her. Cause she's driving the bus. It's hard to dialogue with her. Her language skills are limited. I think that may be why this particular trance had such lasting repercussions. It seemed to let loose her feelings and they are not lighthearted. If I can find the courage to go there again and again maybe I can get to a place where I can soothe her before she takes over and let her know that someone did come eventually. Took 47 years. So yeah, she pissed! It doesn't help that there aren't any pictures of me until I am older. No baby pictures of the firstborn child. Seems backwards, doesn't it? There are pictures of me with my baby brother. There is one formal photo of me at one year old. I need to find a way to integrate her so that I can function when she's around and it isn't so exhausting. Cause when she is on the surface I have to put way too much energy into containment to get through the day and not act younger than my students so that by the time I get home, I'm a mess. It doesn't help that when I'm like that I'm so scared I don't trust myself so I go to meetings and all they see is me crying and I guess they think I do that all day long. No, I just can't keep it all contained all day and all evening. Hopefully we can work something out soon.

I took a trance journey to the little baby me in the crib that was left to cry. Maybe it will help and heal something since someone came. (me) I don't know really. All I can say for sure is that it was the first time I ever cried in a trance. I promised her I would come back and check onher again. Poor thing. She was crying so hard she was gasping. I wiped her face and rocked her to sleep. That was all she ever wanted. Even when she was big enough to ask for it. But she never got it. Well, she got it between the worlds tonight.

all the days are different

So, today is a bad day. Or if ya want to categorize it more positively, it's a sad day. See, I gave up all my defenses (albeit willingly) and now I find myself in a place where I am continually hurt by events that my dfenses protected me from. And it hurts. And I am sad and angry when that happens. And I am angry at the Goddess because I hurt. Maybe I think I should never hurt. But more realistically, the hurts I received early on were so painful and so bereft of comfort that I find any hurt to be unbearable. and I have no resources except the old ones that feel like they really work. Perhaps railing at the Goddess is helpful. Perhaps not. At the moment my tears are in a locked place and I cannot access them. Did you yoga poses for anger. I still hurt. But then they weren't yoga poses for comfort, were they?
When I tell people that never know what to expect as to my mood from day to day I don't think I can convey the lightening speed with which things seem to change. Yes, I know what that sounds like but so far that has not been something that has come up as a possibility in therapy.
Probably just needing emotional stability. Or maybe that's a fantasy that does not exist.

relief?

Maybe, just maybe there is a little lift in the depression and a moving through some of the worst of the grief and pain. One can only hope. One sign? I've been cleaning for the first time in over a year. Oh yeah, it was needed long before that. But I couldn't do it. Not that I was living in flith. Not exactly. Just doing the very least possible to NOT be living in filth. Lately I've been taking buckets of soapy water to everything. It has been good. I think this is the first time in my life, ever, that I have cleaned and NOT been ragefully angry about it. It just needs done. I've been using a series of yoga poses to try and release some of the lifelong repressed rage. Maybe that is what is going on here. Move a little of the rage get movement for other things.
One thing that I've been learning about it that whole emotions stored in the body thing. Like people would say, notice where in your body thus and such is. Sure, sure. I had no fucking idea how to do that. Finally, my body speaks. Yes, it speaks in pain. But the yoga poses help to move the pain, to move it through, so I don't hold it.
It's a good thing.