be more still

Update on the talk with my sponsor:
So we met Sunday morning and we had a talk. Mostly I had a listen. But I told her I was getting a new sponsor and she said:

I need to work steps 11 and 12 or I will be drunk soon.
I need to talk to more people.
I need to share my experience , strength, and hope at meetings.
I should ask people if they have a sponsor and if they don't I should offer to sponsor them.
When I shared about how I got 21 years at the meeting on Friday I let my low self-esteem get in the way of really telling my truth.
She will still be my sponsor until I find a new one cause that's how we do it.
She is not going to cosign my feelings bullshit anymore.
She said to paste a smile on my face and shake people's hands. No matter how I feel.
I am not to work steps 4 and 5 anymore I am supposed to work 11 and 12.


On steps 11 and 12: I have been meditating for years. I may do it badly, but I show up and I sit through it.
Some days are better than others.
There are many parts to step 12 other than sponsorship. I do sponsor people. One of them actually talks to me and it working the steps.
As for step 12...I am having a spiritual awakening these days like nothing that I've ever had before. How can that not be wroking step 12? But she does not want to hear about that so she does not listen.
I go to meetings, I share my truth as best I can, I talk to people at meetings, I am on the call list at the central office and when they call with someone's number I always call that person and talk to them and offer to take them to a meeting. I listen at meetings which is 12th step work too. And I'm present which is 12th step work. I have been in every kind of service position there is except intergroup or on the area committee. I don't really know what else there might be.
I talk to lots of people at every meeting I go to. some I know and some I don't know. I regularly hand out my number to the suffering alcoholic whether they are new or not.
When I share it is the honest truth as I see it at the moment. It is my experience and the strength and hope is that even when it sucks A LOT I still come to a meeting and I don't drink and I work a step.
I might ask someone if they wanted me to be their temporary sponsor if it seemed like it might be helpful. I think it is part of the process that people get to do their own asking and to assign myself their aponsor takes away their power. Yeah, it's hard to ask for help. But it is part of step one.
When I answered the question *how'd you do that?* I spoke of how difficult it was to meet the promise I made to Kathy to go to any lengths. And it was. This ain't a journey about how easy it was. My point was that there were lots of difficult things I had to do but I had agreed to go to any lengths and I met that as best I could. I don't think that was about my low self-esteem.
She may think she is my sponsor but I will be using other phone numbers of people who answer their phone for now.
My feelings bullshit: ?? ok.
Pasting a smile: This relates to the above topic. My feelings are never bullshit. I would rather shake hands with everyone in a meeting with tears streaming down my face and being real than *paste* a fake smile on my face.
I explained that I am new in the world of varied feelings and I do not think I have enough skill to pretend to be something I am not and keep the honesty going and still be present. I need to allow my feelings to be what they are and not pretend they are something else.
My 12th step work for now might be to show others that no matter what my feelings are I can still show up and stay sober and so can they.
If I start thinking I need to stay home because I don't feel like Little Mary Sunshine that might be a problem.
I listeneed to all that she was saying because she weemed so sincere. And I am sure she was.
But she has still not actually heard what I've been saying. She kept throwing up at me that I have 21 years and I need to start acting like it. I don't know what that means and I said so. That was when she said I needed to paste a smile on my face and shake hands. That was also when she said I don't share my experience, strength, and hope. I share what I know. I can only share my experience, and my strength and hope is that it does work, really. Even when I am just hanging on by a thread.


Boundary issues she has I think. She can't hear my issues cause she hasn't worked on her own. Cause her therapist let her go for going to her mother's funeral (her therapist's mother's funeral) So, whe is not very supportive of anything MY therapist has to say. She has even told me not to do things that he has suggested. But since he is actually able to hear what I am saying I think I'll go with his suggestions instead.

Now that I am not calling her and trying to talk to her she talks to me! At the meeting last night whe actually sought me out to talk to. Several times. That's a change from the avoidance behaviour of just the days before we talked.
Apparently, she wants to be my friend, just not my sponsor. Hmm. Well, I'm not sure I want to be that friendly just yet.
I'm not angry with her. Really. I checked in with myself on that one more than once. I'm not. Do I trust her? No. Do I want to be her friend? Maybe. But then, why do I want to be her friend if I don't trust her? Good question. But since we travel in the same circles I do not want to alienate her. Or make my own life difficult by being all righteous and shit.
So, I will have to find a medium place to be. Plus, I feel compassion for her. I am just like her in many ways. So, I'll let the Goddess work out just how friendly I need to be.

business class

So, my class started. Business 101. that's pretty funny cause, if ya knew me you would know I'm not exactly the sort who would choose to take a business class. But it is required for work. So, I'm taking it. I have the wrong text book. I have used the books that previous teachers have used for the other classes I've needed to take. but this one seems to be different. The chapter headings are wrong and not even related. So we'll have to get the right one. But the class has started already. Hopefully I'll have it in time to catch up. But if I can't, well, I shall just chill the fuck out! No point getting worked up about something I can't do anything about at the moment.