coping, gardens, and pools

I went to my second class at PAAR.

I got some very useful stuff in some handouts from the class last night. Like:
*The List of Lists
1. 20 things that help when I feel overwhelmed.
2. 20 things that help when I am suicidal.
3. 20 things that help when I think I might hurt myself.
4. 20 things that help when I am having a hard time dealing with memories.
5. 20 things that help when I am anxious or having panic attacks.
6. 20 ways I can comfort myself.
7. People who can support me.
8. Things of the present: how I know it is this year.
9. 20 things I really like to do.
10. Places I can go when I fell miserable.
11. 20 useful things to do with my anger.
12. things that help me cry when I need to.
13. things of beauty and pleasure in my life today.
14. Nourishing foods I like.
15. the things I most need to remember about myself.
16. 2o things that help me get/stay grounded.
17. My favorite things: a list of treasures.
18. Things that are different no compared to five (or two or ten) years ago.
19. 20 things that help me feel my body.
20. 20 other things I can do when I want to drink or use drugs. *

That's their list of lists. I can't make this stuff up. so I started working on number 1. I got to 9 so far. It's a work in progress. And I figure I can move on to another list while thinking about the list before. Cause nine things on any of those lists is more helpful than nothing.

there was also a sheet about options for responding to triggers. And managing automatic reactions to triggers. Oh I coulda used that one yesterday. And the one about containment vs. stuffing was very interesting. And a whole page on comforting yourself. How very interesting that when my therapist first suggested comforting myself I really had no idea what he meant. He had to explain it twice. Very slowly. Spelled it all out.

I had a very troubling flashback in class. disturbing. Cause I wasn't there for a few minutes. I could be mistaken but I think this might be what happens when the kids tell me I said they could do something and I have no recollection of having been asked. and it's not like they asked me daysd ago...no, minutes.

Errr. I got the call from PAAR. And I didn't get the message until it was too late to call! I'll call back on Tuesday. I seriously did NOT expect to hear from anyone so soon. Seriously.

This may sound silly but I just realized that I don't have to judge others to keep myself safe from them. I can make an assessment and if I'm not comfortable I can move on. I'm just making decision for myself. No judgments required.

I found a poem that someone left on my blog back in February as a comment to my poem which I was sure no one would understand. I read the poem today and was left in tearful wonder.
The poem that was left was like an arm around my shoulders. It was awesome cause I mostly think no one gets it. Whoever this blogger is not only got it but left me a hand on my shoulder to be getting on with. Like a hug to my soul.

I'm working with coping mechanisms in my book. Uh, 24. some more active than others. Like, I have a good healthier mechanism for the alcoholism.

I was to pick 4 that I wanted to look at more closely. So, I picked anorexia, leaving my body, dogmatic beliefs, and perfectionism. I thought they would be the best since I've been working on them anyway. In my world of easily overwhelmed I didn't want to add more prongs to the whip I beat myself with.

The anorexia has a mind of its own, or so it seems. Even when I try to be really conscious of eating and prepare to eat it still ends up not happening. Sometimes. Especially when I've got stuff on my mind. Like yesterday. And Wednesday. Thursday was better. Maybe I should keep a log so I have a clearer idea of what is going on. I just don't think *oh, you haven't eaten yet* until it is a day later. I'm not sure how that happens.

Leaving my body is apparently more of a problem than I thought. I think it happens, momentarily, and I'm not aware. I think it happens in class. I think that's what is going on when the kids say I told them they could do something and I have no memory of being asked. Scary. Usually its just asking to go to the bathroom or get a drink or go to another center but its disturbing nevertheless.

Dogmatic beliefs are a little easier. I have been finding that if I look for the actual belief I find I can look for the grey areas more easily. Cause the actual belief is often quite odd or funny.

And perfectionism is already on the radar and in process.

The harder task was figuring out what these behaviours serve and if there are still good things about them. Maybe, in some situations. I'm letting that rest for now. And then finding healthier coping mechanisms to replace them with. I'm working on it. Some are easier than others. The hardest one might be the most important though. Really, I think it involves a lot. There is so much loaded into the anorexia. Like power and control and punishment. I want to think the first step is a rigid eating schedule but that might defeat the purpose and be a different coping mechanism that I'm trying to work on. Sheesh!

I planted my garden today. Tomatoes and zucchini and lettuce. I put down the newspaper for mulch and weed barrier. I need to get mulch but that's not happening today. At least the plants are in and the newspaper is down. Good god! I have so many worms! Every time I turned the earth I turned up a couple! This is good. Helps the horrible clay soil. Which is much less clay-like than it has ever been.

This post is disjointed. Like my thought processes.

tomorrow, Sunshine and I go to Chris' for the first pool party of the year! Yeah! Those pool parties saved mah fuckin' ass last summer. For real! Somehow, sun, friends, and water came together to be a bit of sanity.