bad news

So after the eyeball hematoma I stopped taking the advil and by Sunday I felt like I had the flu. Except I wasn't sick. I just ached all over like I had the flu...or a fever. But I did not have the flu, nor did I have a fever that I know of. But, since it just ain't right to hurt like that I went to the doctor. K. I was so not prepared for the information I got. I was diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. This is not good. Especially since I have an enzyme issue which means I should not take NSAIDS (which includes the advil I was taking, yes). and so he put his hands up and would not prescribe anything at all. He is sending me to a rheumatologist who can't squeeze me in until March. So here I am taking tylenol, which is. apparently, not an NSAID but does precious little for me except cause me to worry about the state of my liver. While I still hurt all over. What if I just didn't take it? Probably feel like I had the flu. Just to ease my worry I just might try it. I just want to not hurt.

See, all this started when I started having flashbacks of the abuse/neglect. I thought that yoga, meditiation, and not living in repression would eventually ease the physical pain. Nope. It just got steadily worse.

Really. I really think my Higher Power IS dropping me on my head. Over and over and over. Just when I get my fingers up over the top of the pit I seem to be in She stomps on my fingers and I go sliding back in. Feels like, anyway. Hurts to type. Hurts to do anything. If I stop doing anything I won't have the muscle mass to do anything. It is a viscious cycle.

Yeah, I've cried. On Wednesday I cried so hard I thought I was going to throw up or pass out from lack of oxygen. Seriously, I could not catch my breath. For so long I got pretty scared. But I couldn't stop. sounds like it should help in some cleansing kind of way. But it doesn't feel like it. Maybe because whatever I do, whereever I go there's the pain. Maybe.

Hell, yes I'm angry. I thought doing all this really hard, really fucking painful work would somehow prevent the *diseases of trauma*. I was wrong.
Must, of course, take into consideration that this was already established long before I started any of this work. Long before I even knew it was there.

Off to preserve my suxcle mass.