Where I Am

I can't answer that question really succinctly. But I can take stock. I am in a place of lots of doing but it's kind of a place of lull too. I'm working through a lot but the flashbacks have taken a break. (Yay! Yes, say yay.) They are emotionally top heavy and pull me down into a spiral of emotion that is very intense and difficult. The emotions that come after a flashback are dark and scary. I must process all the emotions that happened at the time of the abuse that were not safe to have at the moment. So, I CAN NOT DEAL WITH CURRENT EMOTIONS in any reasonable way while that is going on. A splinter is worse than a broken bone when I am processing the emotions from a flashback. Yeah, it's bad. And it's difficult and it's draining. I am learning, slowly, to back off from non essential things while I do that. But, I must work and I think that's a good thing. I have to keep my hand on reality in some way. That is how I do it.

I have made some decisions after an unpleasant experience at my home group's last group conscience meeting. Things got out of hand and I felt threatened by another woman and her anger. I decided pretty quickly that I was not going to group conscience meetings for the foreseeable future. But now I think that I will not go to the meeting at all for a while. This meeting takes place on Friday night at 6 which is shortly after therapy. I think that I am too raw and vulnerable to deal with this particular meeting at that time right now. I need to go home and coddle myself after therapy. Yep. I'm pretty sure that's what I'm going to do.