so much for decisions

My therapist was not having the *I can't go to my home group* thing. Nope. She said I was just trying to avoid a difficult situation and avoid things that trigger me. While that makes a lot of sense it also means that I won't be healing from the things I'm avoiding. Leaning into my triggers and exploring why they trigger me. And picking up the pieces of a relationship that was broken. See, the woman who was so angry and screaming at me is a trusted friend. No, really. She is one of the very few people who can not only listen to what I have to say about ANYTHING but has some abuse in her own past as well. Which made everything worse. threatened and triggered by a trusted friend. So my homework was to come up with an *I* statement to start the conversation off and talk to my friend about what happened. Easy? Oh no. I had a full blown panick attack in my therapist's office just telling her about it. Couldn't breathe. Panicking about not being able to breathe. Still feeling the physical effects of that. So, since I was not off the hook about going to my home group but was given an assignment and wished luck, off I went. And my anxiety didn't go down any. No, it was physical pain. But my friend sat next to me so I mentioned that I needed to talk to her. Then, of course, I started crying. I can't do much without crying these days. But I got to talk and she talked and she actually understood what had happened even if she didn't know the specifics. Peace reigns again at my home group...at least my internal peace. It IS one of the few places where I can be okay or not okay and people ask me if I AM okay if I look like things are not good. Which is often. Since I go there a few hours after therapy. Maybe what I need to do is get some dinner after therapy and before the meeting. Ya know...HALT (Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired)
So, so much for rationalising my attempt at running away.