So I've got a dream doll that terrifies me, a good therapist, I've set up some counseling with an entity that specializes in sexual abuse issues and behaviour. I also have a network of friends that I can talk to. Although I am currently working on telling myself that when I tell myself they don't care or have time it is a lie.

I am also currently working on using the crisis line that operates through my therpaist's office. First, I have to define *crisis*. This is not so easy as it might seem. Espeicailly when I'm not bleeding from an artery or something. At least not so as one could tell.

Saturday I was bleeding from the artery that carries anger. And fear and pain and shame and, and, and....
But I could not put that into words on Sautrday.
Next time, maybe I'll be able to put words to it. Maybe. these things seem to come from a place where verbal language fails me. Which complicates the whole *call the crisis line, call a friend* thing. Although, when I am calmer I know that I have friends I COULD call when I am like that and they might be able to help me find my words.

I think that one of the reasons I have always been so resistant to change is because I KNEW it would *release the doll* and put me in a place where I would have to begin a dialogue with her.
That dream wasn't new. It is quite old actually. It predates any film with maniacal dolls.

I am willing to dialogue with her. Although it scares the crap out of me. I think pertified is appropriate. I told her last night that I was open to hearing what she has to say and then I was overwhelmed with fear.

Oh boy. Bring on the change.



Koré Chant *
She changes everything She touches
And everything She touches changes

Her name cannot be spoken, Her face was not forgotten
Her power is to open, Her promise can never be broken

All seeds She deeply buries, She weaves the thread of seasons
Her secret, darkness carries, She loves beyond all reason

All sleeping seeds She wakens, The rainbow is Her token
Now winter's power is taken, In love all chains are broken

Everything lost is found again, In a new form, in a new way
Everything hurt is healed again, In a new time, in a new day

Bright as a flower and strong as a tree
With our love and with our rage
Breaking our chains so we can be free
With our love and with our rage

We are, Changers, Everything we touch can change

Change is, Touch is, Touch is, Change is

Change us, Touch us, Touch us, Change us
- Lauren Liebling, Starhawk