I lit the fire under this one my own self. I set the cauldron to boil and I can't even say I didn't know what I was brewing up. Okay, maybe not on a really conscious level like I'm going to wear these socks, but I did know deep down where I keep the things I'm not looking at.

I might as well just say that I think dad molested me when mum was in the hospital. I have no proof. Just odd memories that keep popping up with a sickening feeling. Just that this particular memory won't go away ---for a week. My head tells me it is not possible and the rest of me tells me it is so.

I had an horrific dream last night with a doll that kept trying to bite me and hurt me even after I had pulled off it's limbs and head. And though it looked like plastic it was flesh and bone. And terrifying. And there was a deeper unformed, unnamed horrifying thing that I *knew* but it was not visible.

And the molestation when I was seven always had a connection to dad but I could not look at why. I KNEW why. I just could not look at it.

The scene in our kitchen in our apartment always went with the other memory. Always. I'm less than 2 years old. I'm crying and he's mad at me for crying. apparently. I had no reason to be crying. I know, it's not much. But it's all there is for now.

I have not been able to breathe since I started working with this stuff. Yep it was bad. I felt like there were fingers pressing on my throat keeping the air out, squeezing. I don't feel like that now. Now I can breathe and the headache that arrived full-blown when I let the thought first process went away as quickly when I wrote that in my journal.

I've been having this bump up against my consciousness for a long time but I pushed it away every time. Cause, really, all I have is a memory that doesn't really support it and the visceral fear of my dad. Like being in a bubble of fear. On my skin, in my ears.

I can't pretend to know WHAT happened. Cause I don't. All I know is the two episodes have always been linked and it would not go back into it's box.

Three circle in less than 24 hours. And, I never felt the need to cast a circle to write in my journal before.

Therapist, tomorrow. Special emergency session.