Look. Don't look away

Did I mention that after the experience with my former sponsor I began *taking everyone's inventory* in an even worse fashion that I had before.
When I did this and shared it with the priestess I asked for initiation she decided that it called for some work to be done.
Who'd a thought that a few simple questions would have caused such shattering?
Well, first I just said, *no. I can't see that at all. No.* But I tried. And the shattering was in the trying. My safety, my defenses fell apart. Not a comfortable place to be...no safe place.
It set in motion events that I never expected.
It caused me to either look at events in my life that I had repressed for decades. And to look at the skills by which I kept that going.
Childhood abuse, molestation, and the lies that were told to me to keep the truth away. And lies I told myself to keep the truth away.
If I had not been there and done that I would not have thought I could even go there.
I'm still amazed that I walked through that sober, and arrived on the other side of some difficult shit possibly saner that before. Definitely more aware than ever before.
I am a more compassionate person than I was last May. Last May I was far more likely to judge others ad find them wanting than to be able to allow that there may be things in other people's lives that I have no idea about.
See, I had rules I had to live by and I had to make you live by them too. Otherwise my world would shatter.
It is better shattered. I'd rather not do that anytime soon but if it needs doing I would jsut as soon walk through it than not.
You see, it was killing me to keep all that repressed. My body never forgot and so it kept trying to remind me, get me to pay attention. But I didn't know how.
I don't know if that made a lot of sense but as I have found, it will. Eventually, I come to a place where I can express myself and be understood.
See, that was one of the most difficult things about the past nine months. I kept trying to explain to people what was wrong (cause when I could not stop crying people who cared asked me what was wrong) and for months I was just not able to explain in a way that was understood. And then, people were put into my life who understood what I was saying without a lot of explanation.