It's been a while since I posted.  Some stuff happened with a class I was taking and was kicked out of.  I'm still unclear about what happened there.  I've been working on that.  And not alone mind you.  I needed the advice and support of others who could help me process what was such a painful and cruel event.  But something happened last Friday which made things a little clearer, for me at least.  One of the women who were teaching the class and who was a former covenmate of mine texted me.  She said she missed me.  Given how we parted I'm not sure what she missed. 
But the really interesting part was that this event was the only thing in my day that was out of the ordinary.  And when I woke up on Saturday morning I was nearly unable to walk.  Just like all the months of suffering in the winter.  No, no.  She did not cause it.  No.  But something about that event triggered whatever emotional baggage I have that set it off in the first place.  So what was it?  Was it words that say one thing and actions that say another?  Was it the whole *I love you. Stay away from me.* message?  I am not sure.  But these are both messages that I heard often in my childhood.  Then I didn't know that is not how everyone communicates. 
And it is always possible that this is not what she is saying.  I'm not sure it matters if that is what I am hearing.  Clearly, no matter what my ears heard, no matter what I want from this friendship, no matter what this friendship serves, my body heard something that caused it to be enflamed with pain. 
Unfortunately, while the pain arrived suddenly it did not go away suddenly.  It hung around all week.  It is dissapating now.  No swelling, no pain so great it hurts to move.  And I did nothing to ease it except work on this issue.  4th step, journaling, talking to sane friends. 
Where will it go?  I do not know that yet.