honesty

*What the angel of death can teach us is how to be truly alive.* ~The Four Agreements

This was not what I was planning to write about, I don't think. But maybe it is in some way. I've had people I love die. One in my arms. Many from addiction. But I never let myself feel anything of it. I don't think I knew how.
The topic at the meeting tonight was *hoesty, open-mindedness, and willingness* (HOW) and so we had a conversation at dinner tonight that sprung from that. About how we don't share our deepest saddneses because we want everyone to think that sobriety is so wonderful and if they can sober and stay that way life will be great. But that is a lie. In an honest program. Life is life. It is messy. It hurts. But one of the gifts of sobriety is the ability to stay with the pain and feel it and move on through it to a different place. And if we share honestly about what it is like for us when things hurt then the newcomer will learn that they too can live through the pain sober.
I can't count how many times people have thanked me for sitting in a meeting sobbing speechlessly. Cause I'm there and I'm sober. Even if I'm in pain. And when i can talk about it I get thanked too. Cause we don't share the pain as we accrue years because we don't want to scare anyone.
I can testify to how scary it is to BE in pain many years sober thinking I'm doing it wrong or worse, there is something wrong with me because I am in pain. I felt so broken and I was afraid to talk about it because it shouldn['t be that way.
Well, it just is what it is and wherever I am is where I am and how I feel is how I feel and that's not broken.
Being in pain and NOT sharing...that's broken.