And I had a sort of interesting insight this morning. I was reading my
morning readings and one of them triggered me to reflect on what I felt
like a month ago, nine months ago, in the middle of those months. And it
struck me just how bad it was. Not that I didn't know that when I was
there, but from the place I am now I am rather surprised at how well I
managed. I really was suicidal, I really was depressed, I really wanted
to make it all go away. I can't say I really wanted to drink but that
was one way that I knew I could get a kind of relief. (temporary and
with it's own kind of hell) But I was seriously looking for chemical
relief. I am so glad the liver damage was already in my file. I think
it would have been a longer process if it had been easier.
I was vulnerable and felt unsafe, I felt like I was lost and broken in a
foreign land. I felt threatened and unsteady. And I was not only not
sure there was any support for me anywhere, I was sure that whatever
entity that could provide support would refuse. I looked at many things
about myself that I have been looking away from all my life. To the
point that when I could have looked at them I was so good at not seeing
them I still couldn't look at them. Until last summer and fall. I really
think that if I had not allowed myself to just walk through that and see
it and feel the pain I had repressed my whole life it would have done far
more damage than the actual event or the seeing of them.
Not that there are no more of those experiences. There may be. I had
one while telling Lisa about the grandmother. But since there was no
wall up I saw the look on her face and processed , on the spot. Oh, this
is one of those things that we pretend is normal in my family but is
really traumatic and horrible. Oh. So, nothing exploded and I was able
to see how sad and traumatic that was for my grandmother and some of the
consequences it had for her family and for me through my mother. Without
having to work through all the processes of repression that hampered me
before. That was done.

I am really glad that I allowed myself to walk through a really difficult
place even though I thought I might be there a really, really long time.
(Like forever)
Because whatever work may come, I have not only the experience of having
done that but I learned some stuff about myself, and my family that let
the process move more smoothly and not take nine months.
And I learned about how to comfort myself. That was a concept that I had
not even understood to be possible. Bob explained it to me like I was a
small, mentally retarded child. And in that way, I was. I can see him,
very slowly explaining what *sensory* meant.
I don't know if I expressed that well, but I was struck with a huge sense
of gratitude for the experience and the things I learned and that it is
not like that now. And really amazed that I DID that! Like one of the
kids.
And I also think that I picked up some loose threads of my sobriety along
the way. I think I suspected they were there but they were not visible.