um...wow

I had no idea that trance journey would stick with me like it did. and in a way that was really hard to be with. It didn't shift for a week. I promised her I would check on her but now I'm afraid I'll be in tears for another week after. I wanted to sort of free her up so she doesn't take me by surprise when I don't know about it. My therapist says trance work is one way to integrate my selves. But she does not participate in it. It's just me and this baby self. And she's got a lot of needs, let me just say. And when she is the surface personality it's nearly impossible to meet them for her. Cause she's driving the bus. It's hard to dialogue with her. Her language skills are limited. I think that may be why this particular trance had such lasting repercussions. It seemed to let loose her feelings and they are not lighthearted. If I can find the courage to go there again and again maybe I can get to a place where I can soothe her before she takes over and let her know that someone did come eventually. Took 47 years. So yeah, she pissed! It doesn't help that there aren't any pictures of me until I am older. No baby pictures of the firstborn child. Seems backwards, doesn't it? There are pictures of me with my baby brother. There is one formal photo of me at one year old. I need to find a way to integrate her so that I can function when she's around and it isn't so exhausting. Cause when she is on the surface I have to put way too much energy into containment to get through the day and not act younger than my students so that by the time I get home, I'm a mess. It doesn't help that when I'm like that I'm so scared I don't trust myself so I go to meetings and all they see is me crying and I guess they think I do that all day long. No, I just can't keep it all contained all day and all evening. Hopefully we can work something out soon.

I took a trance journey to the little baby me in the crib that was left to cry. Maybe it will help and heal something since someone came. (me) I don't know really. All I can say for sure is that it was the first time I ever cried in a trance. I promised her I would come back and check onher again. Poor thing. She was crying so hard she was gasping. I wiped her face and rocked her to sleep. That was all she ever wanted. Even when she was big enough to ask for it. But she never got it. Well, she got it between the worlds tonight.

all the days are different

So, today is a bad day. Or if ya want to categorize it more positively, it's a sad day. See, I gave up all my defenses (albeit willingly) and now I find myself in a place where I am continually hurt by events that my dfenses protected me from. And it hurts. And I am sad and angry when that happens. And I am angry at the Goddess because I hurt. Maybe I think I should never hurt. But more realistically, the hurts I received early on were so painful and so bereft of comfort that I find any hurt to be unbearable. and I have no resources except the old ones that feel like they really work. Perhaps railing at the Goddess is helpful. Perhaps not. At the moment my tears are in a locked place and I cannot access them. Did you yoga poses for anger. I still hurt. But then they weren't yoga poses for comfort, were they?
When I tell people that never know what to expect as to my mood from day to day I don't think I can convey the lightening speed with which things seem to change. Yes, I know what that sounds like but so far that has not been something that has come up as a possibility in therapy.
Probably just needing emotional stability. Or maybe that's a fantasy that does not exist.

relief?

Maybe, just maybe there is a little lift in the depression and a moving through some of the worst of the grief and pain. One can only hope. One sign? I've been cleaning for the first time in over a year. Oh yeah, it was needed long before that. But I couldn't do it. Not that I was living in flith. Not exactly. Just doing the very least possible to NOT be living in filth. Lately I've been taking buckets of soapy water to everything. It has been good. I think this is the first time in my life, ever, that I have cleaned and NOT been ragefully angry about it. It just needs done. I've been using a series of yoga poses to try and release some of the lifelong repressed rage. Maybe that is what is going on here. Move a little of the rage get movement for other things.
One thing that I've been learning about it that whole emotions stored in the body thing. Like people would say, notice where in your body thus and such is. Sure, sure. I had no fucking idea how to do that. Finally, my body speaks. Yes, it speaks in pain. But the yoga poses help to move the pain, to move it through, so I don't hold it.
It's a good thing.

back again

I'm back after a little absence. I was, for a while, just too sad or angry, or grieved, or all three to post for a while. Which says something given the tone of my previous posts. Huh?
Then I was okay. I think I am still okay but my pink cloud is passing some. that's okay. I can't explain the waves of emotion. Painful or not painful. They just are. But life is heavier when they are painful.
I think I stopped posting when I had my latest flashback. It was of my mum molesting me in the bath. It all made so much sense. Pieces of the puzzle of *Me* slid into place. It was sickening and horrifying (literally made me sick) but so many little things made sense after that. And it wasn't like I had not remembered what had happened. No, I always knew it happenend. I just never saw it in a clear light before. Saw it for what it really was. Which tells me that it must have been going on before I had verbal memory. Cause I just never saw it for what it was. Then, one night it became so clear. so plain. I can't explain why I never saw it before. Not that I didn't think it was odd before. Just, I had such a moment of clarity. And that was when things shifted away from being so painful and heavy. Sickened and sad for a few days after but things began to lighten quickly. Very quickly.
So now I'm trying to let the waves of emotion just be what they are and accept what comes without blaming myself if I'm not Little Mary Sunshine.

Can't write. I'd like to but I can't.

gah

Please to know, dear god, the memories will. not. stop. The latest one is making me sick. Will I call someone in my *crisis list* ? No. Because why would I want to share that and because it is a holiday (naturally) and because they do not call me back. Sliding into very painful place. Nothing to hold onto.

This has been very ...tiring. I have been crying since Friday. I figured something out though. I am embarrassed because I am crying. Like I have no right be be disturbing every one with my emotional displays. Which doesn't help when I can't actually stop. So I don't know what to do with that.

I cried all through therapy. I cried all through the meeting. I was still crying when I went to sleep. I hoped Saturday would be different. But no. I can't talk to anyone. As soon as I start talking I start crying. And I get so weary of the question, What's wrong? It's so hard. It's hard to keep saying what's wrong. Not everyone needs to know what's wrong. And I'm embarrassed so I don't do things I need to do like get groceries.

Someone last night did suggest that I get the book Courage to Heal instead of the workbook. So I did. She said it was more helpful. We'll see. I even feel like my therapist isn't helpful. She just waited for me to stop crying which never happened. She asked me to tell an imaginary friend what I needed. But what I need is more than anyone can provide. At least anyone that I know. Plus, I wouldn't know how to allow that without giving up all my power anyway. So I'm just going to have to be here. Here hurts. and I think I'm not allowed to have this much hurt. But I do. And it just is. And I wish I wasn't so all in pieces but I am.

My computer is back home. All my favourites are lost cause he had to wipe it. All the blogs I followed. Crap.

All my links to pay my bills. Just when I don't have the energy to look them all up and they are due. Again. Crap.

OMG I thought I had lost my blog yet again! But I found it. Whew.

That's a relief cause it's been a difficult few days. It just plain hurts to be in here. And I got no place else to go. Apparently, the Universe only issues one body at a time.

Sunday was a really emotional day for me. It was hard. It started early too and just followed me through the day. It started in meditation. Yup. Something about how different the love of the Goddess is from any other love I know and how I just didn't feel like I could possibly live up to that and (runon probably) I had no idea how to relate to that. I have no experience to go on here. Flying blind comes to mind. And sort of awestruck and terrified all at the same time.
And damn! But once it started it just would not stop. I went to my regular Sunday morning meeting and everytime I opened my mouth I started crying and when some other people talked I started crying. And then I couldn't stop.
After the meeting I had a bad asthma attack or a panic attack cured by proventil. It started to come on during the meeting but I thought I could ride it out. Nope. Standing in the parking lot I was in fullblown NO AIR and PANIC. Couldn't even think what I should do. Kitty suggested I sit down. Someone mentioned an inhaler and I remebered I HAVE one of those. With me. I actually thought I was going to stop breathing. It was VERY scary. Doesn't happen often but fuck that was scary.
Now I keep checking to see if I have my inhaler. I do.
Like I need something else to add to my anxiety.
And my thinking about the Goddess and love wasn't all positive. No. It was really quite scary, really. See, I don't understand love without strings. I keep thinking there must be a catch. When does the catch show up? And if there isn't a catch, somehow that is even scarier. I'm not sure exactly how. But perhaps just in it's unknown quality.
I had a day today like every day was last summer. Breathing on purpose feels like suffocating (yeah, add asthma attack and the anxiety ratchets up) my heart hurts, I"m not very comfortable being me. I'm not even sure who that is.
But maybe, maybe I can sit with the uncertainty and discomfort until it eases.

Although, in the car on the way home from the meeting tonight I played with the thought, *what if it's just always like this from now on? what if this is who I am now?*
I hope not. Cause if this is who I am forever, medicate me, screw my liver.
That's me, Little Marjie Sunshine.

insights (family herstory)

I had some stuff gel for me yesterday. I took my mother to get the first cataract surgery done yesterday. One of the nurses made a comment about how much my mother complains. Apparently, it is a lot. One of my friends said she is just old. Well, she was on the cataract surgery floor. EVERYONE was old. And yet HER complaining stood out. She complained from the moment she went back to get ready until she was in the car. And when I told her about it she said she had every right to complain and sited her complaints as justification for complaining.
The nurse asked what was wrong with her. I answered that she was not happy. But the question got me thinking.

Okay.
She doesn't just complain, no. She acts out if her complaints are not validated.
Narcissistic with traits of borderline personality disorder.
No, my degree is not in psych. It's in Elementary Ed. But let me just say that we do a lot of dealing with psych. Bruno Bettelheim thinks we should be even more trained in psychoanalysis. But then, he would.

But here's the story. Distorted as it might be by my own lens.

When my mother was married to my father and things were going the way she thought they should things were mostly cool. She did all the things she thought she should be doing and my dad did all the things she thought HE should be doing .
Then he stopped doing many of the things she thought he should be doing and things got much less cool. And mum got sicker. Physically and mentally. She had many ailments and injuries that required my dad to pay attention to her and take care of her.
Then my dad stopped doing ANY of the things she thought he should be doing and left to live with his girlfriend. Things got awful for a while.
mum locked herself in her room for a week. My brother was 9, I was 11. We took care of ourselves because she told us to go away. Then she stopped talking to us and we decided she was dead and called her best friend. She was not dead. She was drunk. She slowly pulled out of that and figured out what to do with her life.
Go back to school, get a job, find another man to pay her the kind of attention she wanted.
There were lots of men.
Now, my brother and I were getting older. We were finding our won ways to take care of ourselves. Not skillful ways but they worked then. And we did not want attention from mum and she did not want to give it. She left us to our own devices and turned a blind eye when she stumbled onto our drugs. She even went so far as to take orders for the state store and buy us liquor since we were too young to do that ourselves and she thought it was better if we drank at home with our friends. Not to mention that she would not have to fetch us from the police station or the park should drinking *out* go wrong. She thought this was a good solution.
But when we moved out she directed much wrath at whichever child got married or moved out. When we were both gone she settled down for a while with a long time boyfriend.
Now all the men are gone and we are the targets of her behaviour.
Now she drinks into a blackout when we displease her.

I don't play along as much as I can (sometimes I've played along before I notice it). She thinks I'm just mean or that I don't love her. ah well, I try to be kind and patient and when I can't I leave. Which she takes as my abandoning her. I totally understand. I just can't stay with her to the exclusion of my ow life.

So what was new to me was that this situation, this mental illness, has been playing out for a long time. Did it play out in her childhood? I have no idea.
What I found so interesting was the timeline and how this behaviour has been going on and building for years. Of course she is not happy. no one is doing what she wants anymore.

And then there is my Aunt Louise. But she would take up another whole post all of her own and I just don't care to go into it. Let's just say older than my mother with a marriage that lasted until my uncle died but VERY similar personalities. And she is a great complainer and judge.

This gives me pause to question my own mental health. But then I've got help with sorting that out. And I have been assured that I do NOT have Borderline Personality Disorder. Good! But then neither does my mother. At least not ALL the traits. But then the fact that she has taken up drinking so much more in recent years makes the whole *what is wrong with her* messier.

No wonder I never felt connected to her. I was not doing what she wanted from the very first day I arrived. separate a sick baby from an emotionally/mentally unstable mother for months? Hmm. that just sets up all sorts of issues. I was never really sure that she liked me. and it is probably true. This may also be why I do not find is as necessary as my brother to meet her needs. I've never been very good at it so why practice getting better at it now?

I don't have any idea how this may read. But it was jolly interesting to me to get it into a timeline and have everything laid out like this.

things that make me go hmm.

I have heard from a few people recently that I intimidate them. Really? I find that amazing and at odds with how I view myself.

Little me intimidates you?

I must look at this.

thoughts

so, I had my second session with my new therapist yesterday. It went better than the first. That is a big YAY! I NEED to be reminded, often, that I am the one in charge of me. I get to say what freaks me out and ask to have it clarified. I get to say when things make me uncomfortable. Not that comfort is the goal. No. But when things make me uncomfortable it might be important information. I need to know that and my therapist needs to know that.


I also needed to know that no one is *making me choose* to *give up* one therapist over another. No, I am choosing to go to a different therapist for a time to work on a different, and highly emotional issue. It is charged with a lot of fear and overwhelming emotion. And it is old and long repressed which I think makes the work all that much harder. But not undoable.



And, did I mention that my other therapist said he thought I was stable enough in the depression (without meds) to do this work? OMG that helped SO much!

So now I have embarked on a new phase. We'll see how this goes.

insight

Why don't I call the crisis line when I am REALLY in a crisis? HA! Because when one is in distress or crisis common sense goes out the window!

What a novel notion!

edges

There are some people I think of as edge walkers. I am not one of them. No, I'm more of a clinger I think. Be that as it may, I am walking an edge right now. It is profoundly uncomfortable. I think I have words now for what some of my discomfort is Firstly, setting aside a theraputic relationship in which I have built trust for one in which I not only have no trust yet but fear is scary. What if this new therapist is all wrong for me? what if we don't build any trust? What if the only thing that happens is sustained fear? Well, then I advocate for myself and ask for a different therapist. And my current therapist claims that I advocate for myself quite well. Okay. I'll take his word for it for now.
And he reminded me that I need to tell my new therapist what is going on for me. Like that her seeming nervousness makes me nrevous too. And that the tossing around of big issues like *separated self* scared the hell out of me. Cause my longest known underlying fear is that I am foundationally broken. (Spellcheck hates the word foundationally but I think it best expresses what I mean.)
and he assured me that there will be a place for me at Persad after this work is done.
That I can still call the crisis line and I can talk to him if I need to. Cause my list wasn't working very well this past weekend while I had my emotional breakdown.
He thinks I am stable enough with the depresswion to safely do this work and that if might prove to be foundational in getting to the cause of the depression. And if it should prove to be something that I find I can't do or it gets to be more than I can handle then I can stop and come back to Persad at any time. it's my choice.
And he assured me that I will know if this is the case or not. Cause one of the things I am worried about is just that. Getting to the place where I can't help myself and not being able to stop what I have set in motion. Like The Sorcer's Apprentice.
Next session at PAAR...Friday.

not fun

I am feeling pretty much out here alone. And like I am a giant pain in everyone's ass. This may or may not be true. I'm just sayin how it feels to be me today. And basically, it sucks.
I went to my first couseling session at paar yesterday. Many things feel wrong.

• It could be that I am just scared. It could be.


• It could be that I was told I needed to give up a longterm theraputic relationship if I am to work with a counselor from paar. Which scares the shit out of me.


• It could be that the woman I saw told me that the gaps in my memory mean I have already begun to split my *self*. (This would be the reason I can't have two therapists (even though paar would be a short term situation) Cause having two different therapies would further the split.


• And prevent me from *integrating the trauma*.


• Plus, somehow I feel violated that a stranger told me this stuff at a first session.

And now I am living on Planet No One Cares again. My list of people to call, which I have not used except to call and say hi to people is not working and most people are not calling or texting me back. Yep, I'm texting people to ask if they can talk. Because if I call them and they say they can't talk I start crying. If I text them and they can't talk or they don't text me back, at least they don't know I'm crying.

I am not very comfortable being so emotional. I don't know what to do with me when I get like this. Some things help for short periods of time. Like, I cast a circle and had some time with my Goddesses and I was okay for a while. And then it all comes crashing back. Like I can't keep it at bay long enough to be okay for any real length of time.

What the hell is going on with me? Having been here before is only marginally helpful. I still feel so hopless and despairing. And unable, except perhaps in sacred space, to advocate for myself. Or something like that.

Did I mention that I felt violated in some way by this woman's statements? I did. I didn't have words for it at the time. Only tears. And a feeling a despair and disappointment. How can I learn to figure out who to trust when *helping* people can do such apparent damage and still mean to help?

words fail me

I was doing some writing on memories and I got a bit of a jolt. See, I think I don't have memories but what I have just don't fit my concept of memories. I remembered a feeling I used to get when I stayed at my Grandma's in the apartment where we lived before we (my parents, my brother and I) moved out. She would put me up in the apartment and I would have this feeling come over me that I do not have the language to describe. It was a feeling of such despair and saddness and .... Iike all the joy had been sucke dout of my world. It left me frozen in ...what? Despair, sorrow? I don't know. all I know is that never, in my life have I ever felt such an overwhelming sense of hopelessness and grief as I would when I stayed in our old apartment. I guess my Grandma thought I would like staying there.
The feeling was so scary. Mostly because I was afraid it wan't going to go away. It happened every time I stayed there. And it seemed so timeless. I was always afraid that this would be the time it didn't go away. This would be the time I was condemned to live with that crushing feeling for the rest of my life.

I have not thought about that feeling for a long time. I had forgotten it even happened.

What the hell was that?

I LOVE water. It melts away all the anxiety. I never have a lump in my throat when I am in or near water. I have spent the past tow days at my friend Chris' house and sitting by or in his pool. Sunshine went too. His dog Angel the Old English Bulldog, and two other friends' dogs Teddy the Laso Apso and Max the pitbull/Boston Terrier were there too. Everyone made nice nice. I have strap marks from my bathing suit already.

This is the place that made it possible for me to live through the worst of last summer. I was so sad when we had Angel's birthday in September and the pool was closed up. I made it though. And the pool is open again and I can spend time with friends I love in a place that is so healing for me. No, it's not the ocean but it wil do.

It would seem that this is a safe place for me. Really. Being able to go there once or twice a week last summer saved my fucking ass.

And I am grateful.

Chris grills for us (usually about 3-4 people {and dogs}) and provides beverages and chips and stuff but he would not have to. We bring stuff. Because we are all grateful that he shares his pool with us. And our dogs.

Sun, water, dogs what else could ya want?

coping, gardens, and pools

I went to my second class at PAAR.

I got some very useful stuff in some handouts from the class last night. Like:
*The List of Lists
1. 20 things that help when I feel overwhelmed.
2. 20 things that help when I am suicidal.
3. 20 things that help when I think I might hurt myself.
4. 20 things that help when I am having a hard time dealing with memories.
5. 20 things that help when I am anxious or having panic attacks.
6. 20 ways I can comfort myself.
7. People who can support me.
8. Things of the present: how I know it is this year.
9. 20 things I really like to do.
10. Places I can go when I fell miserable.
11. 20 useful things to do with my anger.
12. things that help me cry when I need to.
13. things of beauty and pleasure in my life today.
14. Nourishing foods I like.
15. the things I most need to remember about myself.
16. 2o things that help me get/stay grounded.
17. My favorite things: a list of treasures.
18. Things that are different no compared to five (or two or ten) years ago.
19. 20 things that help me feel my body.
20. 20 other things I can do when I want to drink or use drugs. *

That's their list of lists. I can't make this stuff up. so I started working on number 1. I got to 9 so far. It's a work in progress. And I figure I can move on to another list while thinking about the list before. Cause nine things on any of those lists is more helpful than nothing.

there was also a sheet about options for responding to triggers. And managing automatic reactions to triggers. Oh I coulda used that one yesterday. And the one about containment vs. stuffing was very interesting. And a whole page on comforting yourself. How very interesting that when my therapist first suggested comforting myself I really had no idea what he meant. He had to explain it twice. Very slowly. Spelled it all out.

I had a very troubling flashback in class. disturbing. Cause I wasn't there for a few minutes. I could be mistaken but I think this might be what happens when the kids tell me I said they could do something and I have no recollection of having been asked. and it's not like they asked me daysd ago...no, minutes.

Errr. I got the call from PAAR. And I didn't get the message until it was too late to call! I'll call back on Tuesday. I seriously did NOT expect to hear from anyone so soon. Seriously.

This may sound silly but I just realized that I don't have to judge others to keep myself safe from them. I can make an assessment and if I'm not comfortable I can move on. I'm just making decision for myself. No judgments required.

I found a poem that someone left on my blog back in February as a comment to my poem which I was sure no one would understand. I read the poem today and was left in tearful wonder.
The poem that was left was like an arm around my shoulders. It was awesome cause I mostly think no one gets it. Whoever this blogger is not only got it but left me a hand on my shoulder to be getting on with. Like a hug to my soul.

I'm working with coping mechanisms in my book. Uh, 24. some more active than others. Like, I have a good healthier mechanism for the alcoholism.

I was to pick 4 that I wanted to look at more closely. So, I picked anorexia, leaving my body, dogmatic beliefs, and perfectionism. I thought they would be the best since I've been working on them anyway. In my world of easily overwhelmed I didn't want to add more prongs to the whip I beat myself with.

The anorexia has a mind of its own, or so it seems. Even when I try to be really conscious of eating and prepare to eat it still ends up not happening. Sometimes. Especially when I've got stuff on my mind. Like yesterday. And Wednesday. Thursday was better. Maybe I should keep a log so I have a clearer idea of what is going on. I just don't think *oh, you haven't eaten yet* until it is a day later. I'm not sure how that happens.

Leaving my body is apparently more of a problem than I thought. I think it happens, momentarily, and I'm not aware. I think it happens in class. I think that's what is going on when the kids say I told them they could do something and I have no memory of being asked. Scary. Usually its just asking to go to the bathroom or get a drink or go to another center but its disturbing nevertheless.

Dogmatic beliefs are a little easier. I have been finding that if I look for the actual belief I find I can look for the grey areas more easily. Cause the actual belief is often quite odd or funny.

And perfectionism is already on the radar and in process.

The harder task was figuring out what these behaviours serve and if there are still good things about them. Maybe, in some situations. I'm letting that rest for now. And then finding healthier coping mechanisms to replace them with. I'm working on it. Some are easier than others. The hardest one might be the most important though. Really, I think it involves a lot. There is so much loaded into the anorexia. Like power and control and punishment. I want to think the first step is a rigid eating schedule but that might defeat the purpose and be a different coping mechanism that I'm trying to work on. Sheesh!

I planted my garden today. Tomatoes and zucchini and lettuce. I put down the newspaper for mulch and weed barrier. I need to get mulch but that's not happening today. At least the plants are in and the newspaper is down. Good god! I have so many worms! Every time I turned the earth I turned up a couple! This is good. Helps the horrible clay soil. Which is much less clay-like than it has ever been.

This post is disjointed. Like my thought processes.

tomorrow, Sunshine and I go to Chris' for the first pool party of the year! Yeah! Those pool parties saved mah fuckin' ass last summer. For real! Somehow, sun, friends, and water came together to be a bit of sanity.

Here/Not Here

I am having buckets of flashbacks and triggers. It's disturbing. But it also leaves me wondering HOW did I NOT have them before? Or did I and I just pretended they weren't important? Just treated the physical pain that comes in their wake with advil which I am not supposed to take.
Must have.

I went to the second Getting Strated class tonight and learned that there is a name for what I've been doing breaking down difficult work into little pieces. It is called containment. Huh.

Now I can wait for someone to call to set up therapy.

I have been looking at the coping mechanisms that I used/ use. That is difficult. Perhaps I'll share those soon. But not tonight.