In January I began a new therapy at PAAR (Pittsburgh Action Against Rape).  It is called Cognitive Processiing Therapy.  CPT for short.  Part of the process is to help me see how I tell myself things that are not realistic.  At first I thought they had to be events that were confrontational, or at least involving other people.  That was difficult.  I just don't have daily copnfrontations or even *events* with other people.  And, no, I don't live under a rock.  But after further clarificationit became clear that while it could be about a confrontation or an event involving another personit was really about what I tell myself about the kind of occurances ordinary people have every day.  Such as:  I dropped something.  I tell myself I'm a Klutz. In reality I just dropped soemthing.  I said something less than stellar. I tell myself I'm an idiot. completely socially inept.  In reality we all say things best left unsaid on occaision. The exercise is about what I tell myself that doesn't match reality. 

The next assignment was a little more difficult.  I had to write about an event. (My therapist chose the event.)  Then I had to re-read it every day.  That was difficult.  It put something I try NOT to thik about right in my awareness every day.  Which went on for three weeks because first I got sick and couldn't go to therapy and then my therapist was away for a week and so I had to keep doing the same assignment for three weeks.  But I did it.  I felt like *they* were trying to break me.  I even said that to my sponsor.  I knew that wasn't the case really. At least I HOPED that wasn't the case.  It was more about becoming desensitized to the event, to move closer to filling in the spaces where my memory has taken a vacation.

What happened when I read it each day was interesting.  I would be fully aware of what I had read and then be 2-3 sentences along and realise I had checked out.  I'd check back in and read a sentence or two and next thing I knew I'd checked out again.  It was like someone was flicking a light switch in my brain on and off really fast.  It was interesting to observe such a phenomena.  I could come back when I realized I was just reading with my eyes but the content was shut off from my brain.  But I could not seem to control the place where I checked out at.