No, no, don't get any kind of crazy idea that I'm done with my fourth step...I'm just enthralled with the process this time in a way I have never been before. 

It seems that some part of me tells me that if I don't continue to play out these scenes exactly as I always have I will die. 
Literally, figuratively, I'm not sure it matters.
When really, the reverse is true. 
Fascinating.

Not that I am unaware that everything dies.  It's just that the message I get is SO toxic.  And backwards.

I'm doing a fourth step.  I mentioned that.  I'm not done yet but here are some interesting things that have come up:

I blow full steam ahead into relationships (of any ilk) in which I am not heard.  I am like Sunshine with a new bone.  I try more and more colourful, descriptive language to try to get myself heard.  I cling to these relationships even though I feel abandoned by them while they are happening.  I dog them with words as I try to be heard.  Just like I did as a kid with my mother.  It didn't work then and it doesn't work now.  Interesting that I peruse relationships in which I feel abandoned. 

Now to work out how to not do that. 

I am not done working my way through my list but this seems to be a theme.  That and reacting to things that trigger me into a flashback and I don't yet remember to remind myself that I am not that child still.  Cause that's what it feels like.

Okay, let me catch you up.  I thought I had poison ivy.  But no...foliculitis.  Not sure of the spelling.  the follicules on my calves are infected.  Huh!  Like who knew that could happen.  The doctor blames shaving.  I might just give it up.  We'll see.  The treatment is a cream that must be powerfully toxic given how many admonisions there are about using it sparingly.  And not getting it in ones mouth or eyes, etc.  Okay!  Forutunately it's not very big.  I'm a little nervous about this.  Just how potent is this stuff?  If it gets ugly I'll stop using it and call the doctor.  (That's what sane people do.  did ya know?)

This only became a huge issue because one of the teachers had Crohn's disease and is not at all resistant to catching stuff.  So we needed to know what it was.  Cause it just doesn't itch enough to be poison ivy. 

Our production of The Lion King is going to be phenomenal!!  We have a great bunch of performers.  Three to eleven year olds! 

I have had a busy and eventful day.
I now have what I suspect is my first EVER case of poison ivy.  I have stood in it (accidentally) and nary a blister or an itch.  But I think my run is over. 

I had a lovely day at Pride.  I marched in the parade and perused the stalls with friends.  I bought a hat.  We lost a kid, found her, lost another, found him too, and then lost two together.  We found them too.  It was lovely and hot. 

I picked berries from my raspberry patches.  I LOVE my raspberries.  I thought they were done forever when my brother cut them down last year JUST BEFORE HARVEST TIME!!!  But they are bearing well this year.  And a little early. Yum! 

Last night I did not think I would be able to go to Pride or walk in the parade because my knees and hips hurt and walking was just painful.  But after completing my resentment list for my fourth step I woke up this morning feeling ok.  Interesting, isn't it? 
There is much, much more to a fourth step and if I leave it at the resentment list things will go south quickly.  But I won't. 

And the dogs had a walk!  I was not sure that would happen after taking the bus into town and walking in the parade and walking up and down Liberty Ave. to see all the stalls.  But I got home and relaxed for a bit and I was ready to walk my girls. 
Sunshine has a mission on her walks:  to meet and greet as many children as she possibly can and to stealth kiss them!  Why oh why do they always forget she is going to kiss them?  She looks for them if she can't see them.  she knows what houses they live in! 

It Works If You Work It

We say that.  Cause it's true.  So I have started a forth step.  Or a tenth step or whatever ya want to call it.  It's an inventory.  The deal is that if anything disturbs me then there is something *wrong* with me.  And by that I don't necessarily mean that I have done something wrong.  I may have...I may have not.  But what I am looking for are the patterns in my own behaviour that keep me sick.  Sure, sure, I take other people's inventories along the way.  But I try to keep the focus on me.  Their inventories are just entertainment.  Cause they are easier. 
This inventory is all about working out what it looks like when I allow old patterns to be played by a new cast.  This needs to be done because it is just as painful as it has always been but now I get to feel all the feelings that come with the scenes acted by the new cast overshadowed by the scenes acted by old casts.  So the pain is amplified.  It plays out in renewed joint pain.  My body reacts to the betrayals old and new.  I am working on healing the old hurts but I need to learn ways to stop the new ones before they get going.  Am I always going to avoid those scenarios?  No.  Does the new cast wear signs saying they are the new cast in an old play?  no.  But I am learning to hear the lines spoken in a different voice, in different scenes.  Am I am learning to use the pain my body feels as a signal that something is wrong. Very wrong.  For me at least.  Other people are free to live and act however they feel they must.  As am I.  I must honour what hurts me and not allow it to continue. 

I'll keep ya'll posted on the course of the inventory.

It's been a while since I posted.  Some stuff happened with a class I was taking and was kicked out of.  I'm still unclear about what happened there.  I've been working on that.  And not alone mind you.  I needed the advice and support of others who could help me process what was such a painful and cruel event.  But something happened last Friday which made things a little clearer, for me at least.  One of the women who were teaching the class and who was a former covenmate of mine texted me.  She said she missed me.  Given how we parted I'm not sure what she missed. 
But the really interesting part was that this event was the only thing in my day that was out of the ordinary.  And when I woke up on Saturday morning I was nearly unable to walk.  Just like all the months of suffering in the winter.  No, no.  She did not cause it.  No.  But something about that event triggered whatever emotional baggage I have that set it off in the first place.  So what was it?  Was it words that say one thing and actions that say another?  Was it the whole *I love you. Stay away from me.* message?  I am not sure.  But these are both messages that I heard often in my childhood.  Then I didn't know that is not how everyone communicates. 
And it is always possible that this is not what she is saying.  I'm not sure it matters if that is what I am hearing.  Clearly, no matter what my ears heard, no matter what I want from this friendship, no matter what this friendship serves, my body heard something that caused it to be enflamed with pain. 
Unfortunately, while the pain arrived suddenly it did not go away suddenly.  It hung around all week.  It is dissapating now.  No swelling, no pain so great it hurts to move.  And I did nothing to ease it except work on this issue.  4th step, journaling, talking to sane friends. 
Where will it go?  I do not know that yet.