Hmmm

So, I've been thinking why?? has this year seemed so much more difficult than last? Hmm? And why do people seem to think I'm doing so much better when actually it FEELS worse?
Well, let's start at the beginning, shall we? Last year I was taken by surprise and had no fucking idea what was going on. No name for what was happening, no names for the emotions, no reasons for it all. At least, none that made real sense when spoken out loud. Perhaps without any background, last year looked more dangerous to others, those people who reside outside my head/body. Plus, I was not aware of what the background was so the falling apart looked so dangerous. Although, to me it just felt impossible to live with. Not as dangerous as it looked from the outside, apparently. This is difficult to explain.
This year, it seems, looks less dangerous from the outside while it feels MUCH MORE dangerous from the inside. Perhaps this has to do with awareness, perhaps it has to do with denial ebbing away. Maybe it has to do with the nature of the issues that have come to light. Because let's be clear. Nothing that I have *remembered* and no flashbacks except to ones from infancy have been of events that I did not know had happened. What changed was my perception of these events. What changed was that enough light was shed on the lies and twisted knots that were tied into my childhood experiences that I have been able to see how horrible and abusive on a physical, emotional, social, and sexual level, these events actually were. This is stuff I would not do to an insect. I will spare you the graphic details which make me sick to my stomach. But the effects are physical, emotional, and social. Last year I had no words for what was happening. I saw no patterns. Just a ball of nasty, unexplained emotions and pain. this year, I have words. Grief, pain, mourning, saddness, relief (odd, I know). I have physical pain that corresponds with my emotions. My legs and hips hurt, sometimes so much that it keeps me up at night. During the day I spend a LOT of energy practising *containment* because I teach Kindergarten and I need to be grown up, *I will take care of you* me for my students. After school I mostly cry. Sometimes I am just f.i.n.e. until someone talks to me. Then I burst into tears. The tears help the emotional pain and the physical pain. So does yoga. I do have days when I don't cry. I also know when the tears are coming...just not always when. I get a lump in my throat and it becomes difficult to breathe. It is physically painful. Then the tears. Last year I had a lot more of the lump in my throat and not being able to breathe and fewer tears. Although, I must say that after 47 years of repressing any feelings but positive ones ANY tears were unnerving and disturbing. It unsettled my idea of who I am. Huh? I don't cry!
Three months ago, when I was able to put wome kind of coherent thought to what was happening and what it meant I realized that every day when I sat to meditate I had flashbacks. So...I stopped meditating. Cause why in the world would I want to go to a *place* where I allowed stuff like the contnets of my flashbacks. Did it help. you ask? No. The flashbacks came anyway at any time. Even in school. And so did the stepping out of time that I do. And it increased in frequency. Did I start meditating agian? No. My lovely safe place had become tarnished and unsafe. Until earlier this week when it was suggested that I make an effort to make meditating a safe place again. The first time was just all tears. For 30 minutes. The next two were just DIFFICULT with me fighting for breath instead of actually breathing. And probably fighting against more flashbacks too. But I stayed. And the fourth was less painful.
I do not want to embrace the pain. I want to make it go away. It is not going to go away. The only way to go is to make friends with it as I am trying to make friends with the separated parts of myself. the hardest one to soothe is the baby and the hardest one to befriend is the seven year old. But we all live in the same human body and we all share the pain. It will never go away. But, in time, so I am told, it will not be so much on the surface. It will move to an interior place where I can hold it more comfortably. But it will always be a part of who I am. My practise this day is to learn to allow it without beating myself with it. It is and the tears are and the baby cries and the little girl is angry and scared. But together we can learn to become an integrated whole.

This has all become VERY important as there was an incident at work with some inappropriate behaviour by a new staff member which appeared sexual. A parent witnessed it as well as me. Which was important. Because of the look of horror on the parent's face I had an aha moment when I realized why I do not trust this woman. Yes, I did everything that could be done by me. I told our coach and our executive director. I was the one who had to take this woman into the library and tell her about her behaviour. Because that is my job. There was more, I saw so much without being able to articulate it but I was being hypervigilant while I was the only other adult with the children. That was Thursday. It was EXHAUSTING!! Friday I told it all to my therapist, blah, blah, blah for an hour. Today I've had a migriane all day. No wonder.
My therapist was the one who pointed out that I did not turst my own intuition about this woman or her actions. Yeah, well, that's part of the whole legacy. I perceive thus and such. My mother tells me I do NOT perceive thus and such. therefore, I come to have no idea what it is that I perceive. Someday, I may get to have that too.