Things are settling. This is good. Two people told me my energy was clearer than a few days ago. I had an emergency session with my therapist on Tuesday. I was shocked that he thought it was THAT important. Hmm. That's one of the ways I just don't deal with this. *It's not important*. It was very important to have some people whose opinions I value tell me that indeed it is.
I have a habit of diving into things head first and realizing I'm in deep shit after the fact. I do it with life, I do it with knitting. In knitting it means I start things I don't have the skill to finish properly. In life it means I end up in a crisis. Which I do NOT handle well. I get angry and spin my anger out over the people I really care about but not over the people who caused it. No, no that would be directly confrontational. Back to the topic at hand. So I opened this can of worms my very own self and dove in head first and ended up in a very big crisis indeed. Sending anger splashing all over the place, hating everyone, myself included. Not reaching out. Not really able to once I get to that place. And putting myself in a serious situation where I was overwhelmed to the max. And then I put myself in a place where I think the only solution is to drink or drug my feelings away. Cause I know that works. I also know that it doesn't work very well for me now. No. I've spent 21 years learning how to make different choices. And yes, dear, the Goddess knows that. Cause I walked for many years without a clue to any of this because without those years of walking and learning and growing I would never have been able to do this even though it doesn't feel like I'm doing very well at all.
But I' working with the people at PAAR and with my therapist. This week I am working with the scary doll from my dream (more later) and with finding ways to do this work without getting overwhelmed and have each session become a crisis. How?
I set a timer when I do my homework and after 30 minutes I ask myself how I'm doing. Am I getting overwhelmed? Am I overwhelmed already? Because I often do not realize until it is too late.
This has helped. Yesterday I worked right through the hour and I was well on my way to overwhelmed. But I took the dogs for a walk and then I took a hot bath with scented salt scrub and essential oils. Then I went to bed.
Today. I set the timer for 30 minutes. I checked in with myself at that point and took a break before continuing on with the second half hour. That worked out much better. Plus, I did not finish it all. Which is a personal problem for me (perfectionism) but I decided I needed to stop at the set time. Tomorrow is a new day.
Part of my homework was to establish a specific support network so I asked some people if they would be okay with my calling them if I get overwhelmed. So far my list has 10 absolutelys and 1 we'll try it.
That was SO HARD! I was crying before I started because I was all convinced that no one would want to be bothered. That my friends would all just abandon me.
I am open to the possiblility that some may step out because they find it too much for them. that's okay. That's one of the reasons the list is so long. Thank Goddess I have enough people in my life to create such a long list. And I made sure they all knew what the topic was before they said yes.
The doll. The kids whose grandfather molested me lured me into the house by telling me there was something we needed to get in the house. I needed to come with them. Perhaps it was a doll or a toy of some sort. Maybe we wee playing Barbies. Just a thought.
I've been working with the doll and inviting the dream back. Setting an intention before I go to sleep, etc. Nothing in my dreams but a few bits and pieces while I'm meditating. Like I realized the doll changes shape from an action figure like doll to a teddy bear from hell like thing with wild fur and agry eyes at one point. Much like myself.
I think part of my joints hurting so badly last weekend (I could hardly walk) and aching this weekend is about this stuff being held in my body, and also this: I felt like my legs would betray me and not hold me up. Like I feel like my emotions will betrya me and be so overwhelming that I can't function. Something like that.
tomorrow IS a new day. A day with two staff people off sick so we will have to combine classes with the Preschool.
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