be still

so I was coming *here* to rant about a relationship not going the way I want it to. It's not working for me. And then I took some time to get quiet and be still with myself and my God (s) and i realsied that what is troubling me is fear. I want things to stay the same. I don't want them to change. I am afraid of that change. I've done a lot of changing lately and changed a lot of people in my life. this is tricky for me cause I can choose to not let people in on what's going on in my head and if they don't really know me all that well they might just think I'm okay. Then I can get a little crazy. I need to be honest with the other people in my life and if I do not have solid relationships with them then that seems sorta risky. Fortunately I belong to a fellowship where there is a primary purpose and a theme and a bond built in each persons' own living hell transformed into something new and useful. So if I talk to someone that I don't necessarily know all that well the chances are pretty good that they will understand exactly what I am talking about. Even if you have no idea at this point.
In Alcoholics Anonymous we have a bond with each other formed from our former lives live in a hellish prison and transformed by working the steps. This is a bond that is qwuite awesome to behold.
All that was because tomorrow I must tell my sponsor that I need to change sponsors. This can go well, or badly. but I will try to make *I* statements and not make it about what I think went wrong or what I think she should be doing. Cause she is doing her best and she means well and she HAS helped me along. It is just not working for me anymore and now I clearly see why and how and I need to make a change. this does not mean that I have a new sponsor. No. I do not. But one of the problems with the one I have now is that she is REALLY hard to get a hold of and since we are meeting tomorrow I am going to tell her then. I have been having a difficult time getting her to talk to me on the phone and when we meet in person we do not actually finish a converstation...at least I don't, before she turns to someone else and starts talking. Last week when se were supposed to meet to do a fifth step she started playing with an app on her phone and asking someone else how to download music to this app. Odd.
and she seems to have some reticence about the things I need to talk about. I do not understand. Other people do not have the same reticence. So, it seems best for me to move on.
I hope this was not a rant. I did not intend it to be.