Things I've learned:
Business classes are not for sissies.
I am a raging perfectionist.
I'm working on that. Check back next week. Maybe I'll have it all figured out. =+}
I kinda thought the class would knock me off my goal of writing in my blog every day. It did. The class is nearly over and my grade should be an A as long as I don't get stupid on the final. I'd like to make a suicide joke here but I'm in recovery from my snarkiness so I will refrain. Suffice it to say that getting that A and a B I got on a test was nearly fatal. Clearly, that is no way to live. Not my choice, just something that I have only just recently figured out.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
be more still
Update on the talk with my sponsor:
So we met Sunday morning and we had a talk. Mostly I had a listen. But I told her I was getting a new sponsor and she said:
I need to work steps 11 and 12 or I will be drunk soon.
I need to talk to more people.
I need to share my experience , strength, and hope at meetings.
I should ask people if they have a sponsor and if they don't I should offer to sponsor them.
When I shared about how I got 21 years at the meeting on Friday I let my low self-esteem get in the way of really telling my truth.
She will still be my sponsor until I find a new one cause that's how we do it.
She is not going to cosign my feelings bullshit anymore.
She said to paste a smile on my face and shake people's hands. No matter how I feel.
I am not to work steps 4 and 5 anymore I am supposed to work 11 and 12.
On steps 11 and 12: I have been meditating for years. I may do it badly, but I show up and I sit through it.
Some days are better than others.
There are many parts to step 12 other than sponsorship. I do sponsor people. One of them actually talks to me and it working the steps.
As for step 12...I am having a spiritual awakening these days like nothing that I've ever had before. How can that not be wroking step 12? But she does not want to hear about that so she does not listen.
I go to meetings, I share my truth as best I can, I talk to people at meetings, I am on the call list at the central office and when they call with someone's number I always call that person and talk to them and offer to take them to a meeting. I listen at meetings which is 12th step work too. And I'm present which is 12th step work. I have been in every kind of service position there is except intergroup or on the area committee. I don't really know what else there might be.
I talk to lots of people at every meeting I go to. some I know and some I don't know. I regularly hand out my number to the suffering alcoholic whether they are new or not.
When I share it is the honest truth as I see it at the moment. It is my experience and the strength and hope is that even when it sucks A LOT I still come to a meeting and I don't drink and I work a step.
I might ask someone if they wanted me to be their temporary sponsor if it seemed like it might be helpful. I think it is part of the process that people get to do their own asking and to assign myself their aponsor takes away their power. Yeah, it's hard to ask for help. But it is part of step one.
When I answered the question *how'd you do that?* I spoke of how difficult it was to meet the promise I made to Kathy to go to any lengths. And it was. This ain't a journey about how easy it was. My point was that there were lots of difficult things I had to do but I had agreed to go to any lengths and I met that as best I could. I don't think that was about my low self-esteem.
She may think she is my sponsor but I will be using other phone numbers of people who answer their phone for now.
My feelings bullshit: ?? ok.
Pasting a smile: This relates to the above topic. My feelings are never bullshit. I would rather shake hands with everyone in a meeting with tears streaming down my face and being real than *paste* a fake smile on my face.
I explained that I am new in the world of varied feelings and I do not think I have enough skill to pretend to be something I am not and keep the honesty going and still be present. I need to allow my feelings to be what they are and not pretend they are something else.
My 12th step work for now might be to show others that no matter what my feelings are I can still show up and stay sober and so can they.
If I start thinking I need to stay home because I don't feel like Little Mary Sunshine that might be a problem.
I listeneed to all that she was saying because she weemed so sincere. And I am sure she was.
But she has still not actually heard what I've been saying. She kept throwing up at me that I have 21 years and I need to start acting like it. I don't know what that means and I said so. That was when she said I needed to paste a smile on my face and shake hands. That was also when she said I don't share my experience, strength, and hope. I share what I know. I can only share my experience, and my strength and hope is that it does work, really. Even when I am just hanging on by a thread.
Boundary issues she has I think. She can't hear my issues cause she hasn't worked on her own. Cause her therapist let her go for going to her mother's funeral (her therapist's mother's funeral) So, whe is not very supportive of anything MY therapist has to say. She has even told me not to do things that he has suggested. But since he is actually able to hear what I am saying I think I'll go with his suggestions instead.
Now that I am not calling her and trying to talk to her she talks to me! At the meeting last night whe actually sought me out to talk to. Several times. That's a change from the avoidance behaviour of just the days before we talked.
Apparently, she wants to be my friend, just not my sponsor. Hmm. Well, I'm not sure I want to be that friendly just yet.
I'm not angry with her. Really. I checked in with myself on that one more than once. I'm not. Do I trust her? No. Do I want to be her friend? Maybe. But then, why do I want to be her friend if I don't trust her? Good question. But since we travel in the same circles I do not want to alienate her. Or make my own life difficult by being all righteous and shit.
So, I will have to find a medium place to be. Plus, I feel compassion for her. I am just like her in many ways. So, I'll let the Goddess work out just how friendly I need to be.
So we met Sunday morning and we had a talk. Mostly I had a listen. But I told her I was getting a new sponsor and she said:
I need to work steps 11 and 12 or I will be drunk soon.
I need to talk to more people.
I need to share my experience , strength, and hope at meetings.
I should ask people if they have a sponsor and if they don't I should offer to sponsor them.
When I shared about how I got 21 years at the meeting on Friday I let my low self-esteem get in the way of really telling my truth.
She will still be my sponsor until I find a new one cause that's how we do it.
She is not going to cosign my feelings bullshit anymore.
She said to paste a smile on my face and shake people's hands. No matter how I feel.
I am not to work steps 4 and 5 anymore I am supposed to work 11 and 12.
On steps 11 and 12: I have been meditating for years. I may do it badly, but I show up and I sit through it.
Some days are better than others.
There are many parts to step 12 other than sponsorship. I do sponsor people. One of them actually talks to me and it working the steps.
As for step 12...I am having a spiritual awakening these days like nothing that I've ever had before. How can that not be wroking step 12? But she does not want to hear about that so she does not listen.
I go to meetings, I share my truth as best I can, I talk to people at meetings, I am on the call list at the central office and when they call with someone's number I always call that person and talk to them and offer to take them to a meeting. I listen at meetings which is 12th step work too. And I'm present which is 12th step work. I have been in every kind of service position there is except intergroup or on the area committee. I don't really know what else there might be.
I talk to lots of people at every meeting I go to. some I know and some I don't know. I regularly hand out my number to the suffering alcoholic whether they are new or not.
When I share it is the honest truth as I see it at the moment. It is my experience and the strength and hope is that even when it sucks A LOT I still come to a meeting and I don't drink and I work a step.
I might ask someone if they wanted me to be their temporary sponsor if it seemed like it might be helpful. I think it is part of the process that people get to do their own asking and to assign myself their aponsor takes away their power. Yeah, it's hard to ask for help. But it is part of step one.
When I answered the question *how'd you do that?* I spoke of how difficult it was to meet the promise I made to Kathy to go to any lengths. And it was. This ain't a journey about how easy it was. My point was that there were lots of difficult things I had to do but I had agreed to go to any lengths and I met that as best I could. I don't think that was about my low self-esteem.
She may think she is my sponsor but I will be using other phone numbers of people who answer their phone for now.
My feelings bullshit: ?? ok.
Pasting a smile: This relates to the above topic. My feelings are never bullshit. I would rather shake hands with everyone in a meeting with tears streaming down my face and being real than *paste* a fake smile on my face.
I explained that I am new in the world of varied feelings and I do not think I have enough skill to pretend to be something I am not and keep the honesty going and still be present. I need to allow my feelings to be what they are and not pretend they are something else.
My 12th step work for now might be to show others that no matter what my feelings are I can still show up and stay sober and so can they.
If I start thinking I need to stay home because I don't feel like Little Mary Sunshine that might be a problem.
I listeneed to all that she was saying because she weemed so sincere. And I am sure she was.
But she has still not actually heard what I've been saying. She kept throwing up at me that I have 21 years and I need to start acting like it. I don't know what that means and I said so. That was when she said I needed to paste a smile on my face and shake hands. That was also when she said I don't share my experience, strength, and hope. I share what I know. I can only share my experience, and my strength and hope is that it does work, really. Even when I am just hanging on by a thread.
Boundary issues she has I think. She can't hear my issues cause she hasn't worked on her own. Cause her therapist let her go for going to her mother's funeral (her therapist's mother's funeral) So, whe is not very supportive of anything MY therapist has to say. She has even told me not to do things that he has suggested. But since he is actually able to hear what I am saying I think I'll go with his suggestions instead.
Now that I am not calling her and trying to talk to her she talks to me! At the meeting last night whe actually sought me out to talk to. Several times. That's a change from the avoidance behaviour of just the days before we talked.
Apparently, she wants to be my friend, just not my sponsor. Hmm. Well, I'm not sure I want to be that friendly just yet.
I'm not angry with her. Really. I checked in with myself on that one more than once. I'm not. Do I trust her? No. Do I want to be her friend? Maybe. But then, why do I want to be her friend if I don't trust her? Good question. But since we travel in the same circles I do not want to alienate her. Or make my own life difficult by being all righteous and shit.
So, I will have to find a medium place to be. Plus, I feel compassion for her. I am just like her in many ways. So, I'll let the Goddess work out just how friendly I need to be.
business class
So, my class started. Business 101. that's pretty funny cause, if ya knew me you would know I'm not exactly the sort who would choose to take a business class. But it is required for work. So, I'm taking it. I have the wrong text book. I have used the books that previous teachers have used for the other classes I've needed to take. but this one seems to be different. The chapter headings are wrong and not even related. So we'll have to get the right one. But the class has started already. Hopefully I'll have it in time to catch up. But if I can't, well, I shall just chill the fuck out! No point getting worked up about something I can't do anything about at the moment.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
be still
so I was coming *here* to rant about a relationship not going the way I want it to. It's not working for me. And then I took some time to get quiet and be still with myself and my God (s) and i realsied that what is troubling me is fear. I want things to stay the same. I don't want them to change. I am afraid of that change. I've done a lot of changing lately and changed a lot of people in my life. this is tricky for me cause I can choose to not let people in on what's going on in my head and if they don't really know me all that well they might just think I'm okay. Then I can get a little crazy. I need to be honest with the other people in my life and if I do not have solid relationships with them then that seems sorta risky. Fortunately I belong to a fellowship where there is a primary purpose and a theme and a bond built in each persons' own living hell transformed into something new and useful. So if I talk to someone that I don't necessarily know all that well the chances are pretty good that they will understand exactly what I am talking about. Even if you have no idea at this point.
In Alcoholics Anonymous we have a bond with each other formed from our former lives live in a hellish prison and transformed by working the steps. This is a bond that is qwuite awesome to behold.
All that was because tomorrow I must tell my sponsor that I need to change sponsors. This can go well, or badly. but I will try to make *I* statements and not make it about what I think went wrong or what I think she should be doing. Cause she is doing her best and she means well and she HAS helped me along. It is just not working for me anymore and now I clearly see why and how and I need to make a change. this does not mean that I have a new sponsor. No. I do not. But one of the problems with the one I have now is that she is REALLY hard to get a hold of and since we are meeting tomorrow I am going to tell her then. I have been having a difficult time getting her to talk to me on the phone and when we meet in person we do not actually finish a converstation...at least I don't, before she turns to someone else and starts talking. Last week when se were supposed to meet to do a fifth step she started playing with an app on her phone and asking someone else how to download music to this app. Odd.
and she seems to have some reticence about the things I need to talk about. I do not understand. Other people do not have the same reticence. So, it seems best for me to move on.
I hope this was not a rant. I did not intend it to be.
In Alcoholics Anonymous we have a bond with each other formed from our former lives live in a hellish prison and transformed by working the steps. This is a bond that is qwuite awesome to behold.
All that was because tomorrow I must tell my sponsor that I need to change sponsors. This can go well, or badly. but I will try to make *I* statements and not make it about what I think went wrong or what I think she should be doing. Cause she is doing her best and she means well and she HAS helped me along. It is just not working for me anymore and now I clearly see why and how and I need to make a change. this does not mean that I have a new sponsor. No. I do not. But one of the problems with the one I have now is that she is REALLY hard to get a hold of and since we are meeting tomorrow I am going to tell her then. I have been having a difficult time getting her to talk to me on the phone and when we meet in person we do not actually finish a converstation...at least I don't, before she turns to someone else and starts talking. Last week when se were supposed to meet to do a fifth step she started playing with an app on her phone and asking someone else how to download music to this app. Odd.
and she seems to have some reticence about the things I need to talk about. I do not understand. Other people do not have the same reticence. So, it seems best for me to move on.
I hope this was not a rant. I did not intend it to be.
Monday, February 21, 2011
The President's Day Snow
Okay! So it's really snowing. Really. Like 6 inches in the last five hours.
I lost my phone but now it is found except it is still not with me. And with all this snow I son't know when I will have it back. Hopefully tomorrow. But maybe not. Gods I feel lost without it. like I lost a limb or something. I don't know any phone numbers. I feel really disconnected.
I'm still trying to work out a meeting with my sponsor to do a fifth step. I feel like she is being evasive. Like she really doesn't want to do this. i wish she would just say that if it's so. That would be okay. But this crazy dodging is not okay. I am supposed to have therapy tomorrow but I don't know what will happen with all the snow. I guess we'll jsut have to see. It might be okay by 4 pm tomorrow when I would have to start on my way. Hope so.
That was off topic but on my mind.
My sponsor said that:
* I am happy to assist you with a 5th step. However, if some of these things are out of my realm I will again refer you back to your therapist. I can only help you with what I have expereince with in regards to the steps. *
Okay. What does she think I have to tell her? That I am an axe murderer on alternate Tuesdays?
This makes me wonder. And it makes me feel like I am so broken she cannot bear to listen to what has gone on in my life. Which may be true. I just wish she would say so.
I am confused and hurt and feeling like she doesn't really want to be my sponsor. Which would be fine but I need to know that.
I lost my phone but now it is found except it is still not with me. And with all this snow I son't know when I will have it back. Hopefully tomorrow. But maybe not. Gods I feel lost without it. like I lost a limb or something. I don't know any phone numbers. I feel really disconnected.
I'm still trying to work out a meeting with my sponsor to do a fifth step. I feel like she is being evasive. Like she really doesn't want to do this. i wish she would just say that if it's so. That would be okay. But this crazy dodging is not okay. I am supposed to have therapy tomorrow but I don't know what will happen with all the snow. I guess we'll jsut have to see. It might be okay by 4 pm tomorrow when I would have to start on my way. Hope so.
That was off topic but on my mind.
My sponsor said that:
* I am happy to assist you with a 5th step. However, if some of these things are out of my realm I will again refer you back to your therapist. I can only help you with what I have expereince with in regards to the steps. *
Okay. What does she think I have to tell her? That I am an axe murderer on alternate Tuesdays?
This makes me wonder. And it makes me feel like I am so broken she cannot bear to listen to what has gone on in my life. Which may be true. I just wish she would say so.
I am confused and hurt and feeling like she doesn't really want to be my sponsor. Which would be fine but I need to know that.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
On being an ass
I was an ass today. You're shocked, I know. But it's true.
I wrote a fourth step yesterday about some difficult stuff for me that has been working on me. I was abusive, just as my troublesome staff person is now only a few years ago. Children really do learn what they live and then that's all I could see. I was not abusive on purpose. I was not even always abusive in ways that our society would say was abusive. but it is. And this whole thing with this staff person and parents wanting her fired caused a bit of a firestorm of fear in ME. Cause that WAS me not that long ago.
Anyway, how was I an ass, you ask? Well, after the fourth step (a searching and fearless moral inventory) there is the fifth step (admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs). So, I called my sponsor and made arrangemnets to tell her the exact nature of my wrongs. At 8:30 on a sunday morning! That's called *going to any lengths*.
Well, she came in and sat down and we talked for a few minutes and she began to play with her phone and ask this girl across the table from us how to download music to a new app she has. And I waited. Cause, bascially, it took all the humility I had just to ask her to listen. I didn't think I could ask her again, or ask to go somewhere else, or whatever. So I didn't. And things went badly from there. See, I assumed that she didn't want to hear what I had to say for whatever reason and then I got angry. I blew up at a different friend because I did not know how to ask my sponsor to do something different. This friend told me I needed to let her (my sponsor) know what was going on. I did eventually. But she never did listen to *the exact nature of my wrongs*. Which leaves me wondering why. Cause that leaves things undone. I'm not good with that. Now I need to find someone else to tell this stuff to and sheesh, it was hard enough the once. Now I will have to get up the courage to do this again. And figure out who.
I wrote a fourth step yesterday about some difficult stuff for me that has been working on me. I was abusive, just as my troublesome staff person is now only a few years ago. Children really do learn what they live and then that's all I could see. I was not abusive on purpose. I was not even always abusive in ways that our society would say was abusive. but it is. And this whole thing with this staff person and parents wanting her fired caused a bit of a firestorm of fear in ME. Cause that WAS me not that long ago.
Anyway, how was I an ass, you ask? Well, after the fourth step (a searching and fearless moral inventory) there is the fifth step (admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs). So, I called my sponsor and made arrangemnets to tell her the exact nature of my wrongs. At 8:30 on a sunday morning! That's called *going to any lengths*.
Well, she came in and sat down and we talked for a few minutes and she began to play with her phone and ask this girl across the table from us how to download music to a new app she has. And I waited. Cause, bascially, it took all the humility I had just to ask her to listen. I didn't think I could ask her again, or ask to go somewhere else, or whatever. So I didn't. And things went badly from there. See, I assumed that she didn't want to hear what I had to say for whatever reason and then I got angry. I blew up at a different friend because I did not know how to ask my sponsor to do something different. This friend told me I needed to let her (my sponsor) know what was going on. I did eventually. But she never did listen to *the exact nature of my wrongs*. Which leaves me wondering why. Cause that leaves things undone. I'm not good with that. Now I need to find someone else to tell this stuff to and sheesh, it was hard enough the once. Now I will have to get up the courage to do this again. And figure out who.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Potential
Try this again. I had a trying day. We had another incident at work with a staff person who I think is abusive. she does not see it that way. Not everyone does. I think I can speak to this because I used to be just like her. I was badly mothered and had no idea how to take care of children or be respectful of them. I did some damage in the past. I had a lot of people who helped me get to the other side of that and learn not only how to be kinder to children but to myself as well.
And I was willing at some point to learn how to be different.
I don't think she's there yet.
She is not going to be fired. she is going to be moved to a different school. This reminds me of what the Catholic church does/did. Firing her could be the kindest thing we do for her and for the children. Maybe it will help her to realize what she is doing. But that is unlikely to happen yet.
I am torn. she may be a good teacher someday. But whose kids does she get to practise on?
And I was willing at some point to learn how to be different.
I don't think she's there yet.
She is not going to be fired. she is going to be moved to a different school. This reminds me of what the Catholic church does/did. Firing her could be the kindest thing we do for her and for the children. Maybe it will help her to realize what she is doing. But that is unlikely to happen yet.
I am torn. she may be a good teacher someday. But whose kids does she get to practise on?
Thursday, February 10, 2011
I am recovering from bronchitis and a sinus infection. Blargh!
But I consciously chose the cough medicine without the codeine. Yep. Good choice for me.
And while I have been ill I have not been idle in my head. Oh no.
I'm working around accepting that *toxic* is what we call how my family system works. I'm working with that because when I hear that I hear *my family system is evil* and then I judge not just the system but myself and then I feel guilty because my family system is broken. (It's a lovely space inside my head. Especially when i am ill and sleep a lot.)
My family system IS toxic. It IS broken. a lot of really insane stuff has been passed to me and, naturally, I assumed that this is the way the rest of the humans operate too. I am finding that while the rest of the humans may have some sort of broken system of their own, the one I grew up in was quite nasty.
That's actually okay. Cause I'm trying NOT to pass on the nastiness and trying to see it and change it for myself.
I tell people that I was raised by wolves. I would probably function better on a social level if I had been. If my dogs are anything to go by.
Right now, I am trying not to harrass myself about this but to find the quiet space in myself and let the healing work. Cause I think I make it worse for myself by thinking I need to stir things up and really, the universe does not need my help. Just my willingness.
But I consciously chose the cough medicine without the codeine. Yep. Good choice for me.
And while I have been ill I have not been idle in my head. Oh no.
I'm working around accepting that *toxic* is what we call how my family system works. I'm working with that because when I hear that I hear *my family system is evil* and then I judge not just the system but myself and then I feel guilty because my family system is broken. (It's a lovely space inside my head. Especially when i am ill and sleep a lot.)
My family system IS toxic. It IS broken. a lot of really insane stuff has been passed to me and, naturally, I assumed that this is the way the rest of the humans operate too. I am finding that while the rest of the humans may have some sort of broken system of their own, the one I grew up in was quite nasty.
That's actually okay. Cause I'm trying NOT to pass on the nastiness and trying to see it and change it for myself.
I tell people that I was raised by wolves. I would probably function better on a social level if I had been. If my dogs are anything to go by.
Right now, I am trying not to harrass myself about this but to find the quiet space in myself and let the healing work. Cause I think I make it worse for myself by thinking I need to stir things up and really, the universe does not need my help. Just my willingness.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
I live in a toxic house. Okay. I have only recently seen how this is so. It still causes me much confusion, fear, and something else. Possibly guilt. Because I particiapted. Okay. But it was the only thing I've known. all the relationships I have had have followed this model because it was the only model I had. I'm still learning what other models look like.
I want to live peacefully. I want to live in sanity. I want to live where love isn't manipulative or come with strings.
I want that to be in this house where my name is on the deed. Is that my dream. Today it is.
I have to be very careful here because I will slip into my fears and stop dreaming of sanity and love.
My dream includes my two dogs. They are very dear to me. I have never been able to see a way out without losing them and I am not prepared to do that. But that is a fear. I can dream of a different life WITH my dogs.
this has no middle and no end. I guess I just had to get that out. I don't want to live in fear but that too takes time.
I want to live peacefully. I want to live in sanity. I want to live where love isn't manipulative or come with strings.
I want that to be in this house where my name is on the deed. Is that my dream. Today it is.
I have to be very careful here because I will slip into my fears and stop dreaming of sanity and love.
My dream includes my two dogs. They are very dear to me. I have never been able to see a way out without losing them and I am not prepared to do that. But that is a fear. I can dream of a different life WITH my dogs.
this has no middle and no end. I guess I just had to get that out. I don't want to live in fear but that too takes time.
Friday, February 4, 2011
honesty
*What the angel of death can teach us is how to be truly alive.* ~The Four Agreements
This was not what I was planning to write about, I don't think. But maybe it is in some way. I've had people I love die. One in my arms. Many from addiction. But I never let myself feel anything of it. I don't think I knew how.
The topic at the meeting tonight was *hoesty, open-mindedness, and willingness* (HOW) and so we had a conversation at dinner tonight that sprung from that. About how we don't share our deepest saddneses because we want everyone to think that sobriety is so wonderful and if they can sober and stay that way life will be great. But that is a lie. In an honest program. Life is life. It is messy. It hurts. But one of the gifts of sobriety is the ability to stay with the pain and feel it and move on through it to a different place. And if we share honestly about what it is like for us when things hurt then the newcomer will learn that they too can live through the pain sober.
I can't count how many times people have thanked me for sitting in a meeting sobbing speechlessly. Cause I'm there and I'm sober. Even if I'm in pain. And when i can talk about it I get thanked too. Cause we don't share the pain as we accrue years because we don't want to scare anyone.
I can testify to how scary it is to BE in pain many years sober thinking I'm doing it wrong or worse, there is something wrong with me because I am in pain. I felt so broken and I was afraid to talk about it because it shouldn['t be that way.
Well, it just is what it is and wherever I am is where I am and how I feel is how I feel and that's not broken.
Being in pain and NOT sharing...that's broken.
This was not what I was planning to write about, I don't think. But maybe it is in some way. I've had people I love die. One in my arms. Many from addiction. But I never let myself feel anything of it. I don't think I knew how.
The topic at the meeting tonight was *hoesty, open-mindedness, and willingness* (HOW) and so we had a conversation at dinner tonight that sprung from that. About how we don't share our deepest saddneses because we want everyone to think that sobriety is so wonderful and if they can sober and stay that way life will be great. But that is a lie. In an honest program. Life is life. It is messy. It hurts. But one of the gifts of sobriety is the ability to stay with the pain and feel it and move on through it to a different place. And if we share honestly about what it is like for us when things hurt then the newcomer will learn that they too can live through the pain sober.
I can't count how many times people have thanked me for sitting in a meeting sobbing speechlessly. Cause I'm there and I'm sober. Even if I'm in pain. And when i can talk about it I get thanked too. Cause we don't share the pain as we accrue years because we don't want to scare anyone.
I can testify to how scary it is to BE in pain many years sober thinking I'm doing it wrong or worse, there is something wrong with me because I am in pain. I felt so broken and I was afraid to talk about it because it shouldn['t be that way.
Well, it just is what it is and wherever I am is where I am and how I feel is how I feel and that's not broken.
Being in pain and NOT sharing...that's broken.
Monday, January 31, 2011
some poems by my students
Bobcats
Eat
Growl
Run
They like rabbits
by Emily age 5
Sunshine
She is cute.
I feel happy when she smiles at me.
And kisses me.
She licks me.
by Olivia age 5
Cheetos
I eat Cheetos.
They make me so happy.
They taste so good.
They are orange and cheesy.
by Ryan age 5
Hamster
Some can be yellow
And some can be grey
And white and black.
They're cuddly
And cute.
Hamsters
by Mia age 6
Kitten
Orange and white
Cute
It sleeps with me
Eats with me
Jumps on me
Purr
by Gianna age 6
Mermaid
Rainbow mermaid
Baby mermaid
Swimming in the baby pool.
Playing with the mermaid toys.
Making lots of baby noise.
By Killeen age 6
King Cobra Snakes
I like 'em because
they put out their
hoods.
I like 'em because they try to get ya.
They live in trees and under logs
I like when they slide
I'd like to be a King Cobra.
by Devin age 6
Snakes
They live on trees.
They crawl
They sleep
They live in trees
They creep
They eat.
by Nathan age 5
My Dog
I love Sergent.
I play with Sergent.
I feed him.
I sleep with him.
He misses me.
I miss him.
by Madison age 5
My Dog I Like To Play With
Cinnamon my dog
I like to play outside with my dog.
We run.
We catch.
We chase.
We play.
by Maura age 5
Eat
Growl
Run
They like rabbits
by Emily age 5
Sunshine
She is cute.
I feel happy when she smiles at me.
And kisses me.
She licks me.
by Olivia age 5
Cheetos
I eat Cheetos.
They make me so happy.
They taste so good.
They are orange and cheesy.
by Ryan age 5
Hamster
Some can be yellow
And some can be grey
And white and black.
They're cuddly
And cute.
Hamsters
by Mia age 6
Kitten
Orange and white
Cute
It sleeps with me
Eats with me
Jumps on me
Purr
by Gianna age 6
Mermaid
Rainbow mermaid
Baby mermaid
Swimming in the baby pool.
Playing with the mermaid toys.
Making lots of baby noise.
By Killeen age 6
King Cobra Snakes
I like 'em because
they put out their
hoods.
I like 'em because they try to get ya.
They live in trees and under logs
I like when they slide
I'd like to be a King Cobra.
by Devin age 6
Snakes
They live on trees.
They crawl
They sleep
They live in trees
They creep
They eat.
by Nathan age 5
My Dog
I love Sergent.
I play with Sergent.
I feed him.
I sleep with him.
He misses me.
I miss him.
by Madison age 5
My Dog I Like To Play With
Cinnamon my dog
I like to play outside with my dog.
We run.
We catch.
We chase.
We play.
by Maura age 5
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Kathleen
One of my dearest friends in all the world was diagnosed with leukemia this week. I am very sad. She is so dear to me and this is not her first bought with cancer. She has held my hand and held me up with her heart and her words over these very difficult past months. I want to help her too. And right now there is nothing I can do but pray, send her healing energy, send her my love. This is Pittsburgh and despite what the displaced out of towners have to say about it we got hospitals like there is no tomorrow and a fabulous cancer center. She was put right into the hospital and treatment was started right away.
That gives me some hope. But it does nothing for the heaviness of my heart. Despite a world renouned cancer center not everyone lives. I know this from heartbroken experience.
I jsut want one of the survivours to be Kathleen. It's selfish, I know. But I still want it.
Not that I wnat her to suffer. No. If she wants to go then she has my blessing. But I hope she wants to stay. Right now she is not seeing anyone. Not reading emails, not taking phone calls. Hopefully soon there will be other ways I can show my love.
That gives me some hope. But it does nothing for the heaviness of my heart. Despite a world renouned cancer center not everyone lives. I know this from heartbroken experience.
I jsut want one of the survivours to be Kathleen. It's selfish, I know. But I still want it.
Not that I wnat her to suffer. No. If she wants to go then she has my blessing. But I hope she wants to stay. Right now she is not seeing anyone. Not reading emails, not taking phone calls. Hopefully soon there will be other ways I can show my love.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Brigid Poetry Slam
This path
I walk this path alone
A runner in a race
My ears deaf to voices
Supporters on the sidelines
Alone
If I reach
I touch you
Voices
Silence
Walking
Mired in the past
I walk
Swamps
Thorns
Rocks
Wild rivers
Steep mountains
Wearing boots
Carrying rope
I can swim
Solid ground is the present
Walking
Seeing
Being
Touching
Feeling
This path
Fellow travelers
Meet
Share
Shining vistas
Thick woods
Flowering meadows
Tangled swamps
Sacred wells of healing and comfort
This path
I walk alone
I walk this path alone
A runner in a race
My ears deaf to voices
Supporters on the sidelines
Alone
If I reach
I touch you
Voices
Silence
Walking
Mired in the past
I walk
Swamps
Thorns
Rocks
Wild rivers
Steep mountains
Wearing boots
Carrying rope
I can swim
Solid ground is the present
Walking
Seeing
Being
Touching
Feeling
This path
Fellow travelers
Meet
Share
Shining vistas
Thick woods
Flowering meadows
Tangled swamps
Sacred wells of healing and comfort
This path
I walk alone
Brigid Poetry Slam
Once
There was innocence and fearlessness
Then
There was abandonment and denial
And anger and pain
Always there was courage
I walked the edge of the blade
If I fall...death
Arms out!
Careful, careful
Falling
Falling
Falling
Alice-like my fall was not empty sapce
As I fell I bumped into pain
Old hurts shattered me like crystal
Teardrops splintered from me
Fractured, broken, open
I did not fear the landing
I thought I would fall forever
My tears spread below
A lake of feathers
Cushioning impact with compassion
Softening
What had once been hard and brittle
There was innocence and fearlessness
Then
There was abandonment and denial
And anger and pain
Always there was courage
I walked the edge of the blade
If I fall...death
Arms out!
Careful, careful
Falling
Falling
Falling
Alice-like my fall was not empty sapce
As I fell I bumped into pain
Old hurts shattered me like crystal
Teardrops splintered from me
Fractured, broken, open
I did not fear the landing
I thought I would fall forever
My tears spread below
A lake of feathers
Cushioning impact with compassion
Softening
What had once been hard and brittle
Friday, January 28, 2011
writing and talking
So, why do I do this? Well, it helps. It helps me to sort out the flotsam and jetsam in my brain. It helps me to recognise my feelings. Now that I have a few more rather than just anger and indifference. Like longhand writing, typing loosenes something.
Plus, I like the clicking. And I like playing with the colours of the words.
When things are really hard I can't talk or write about them well or skillfully but I do it anyway. Because it is like laying out the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and turning them all over. I get the edges and then I can work on the body.
I had an icident at work yesterday. One of my teachers was crying at my desk when I came in. I asked her what was going on. She had gotten an awful email from her mentally ill mother who is on medication for her mental illness and drinking on top of that. The letter said that her mother did not want to talk to any of her children or get emails from them or talk to them on the phone. It went on for five pages of closely typed attack. and she threatened suicide. This girl knows that she can alert the authorities in her mother's town to that. That was not the issue. The issue was one of repeated abandonment paired with the occaisional presence of a caring parent. Which one will we get today? I know that story. From both my parents. I had the opportunity to share some of my experiences with her and to reassure her that she is not responsible for her mother's choices. they are not a reflection on her.
And another problem we have been having at school was peeled a bit when the teacher said that seh sees her mother in another teacher that she does not get along with. Yes, oh yes. People and events in the present that cause us (me) to overreact are not usually about the present. Sometimes they are triggers for painful experiences from the past that I could not react to at the time. It was not safe. Now it is safe but the situation does not warrent such a strong reaction. That, for me, is a huge clue that the present is pulling on threads from the past.
When we talked and shared what it was like for us it opens a door to trust and compassion.
Plus, I like the clicking. And I like playing with the colours of the words.
When things are really hard I can't talk or write about them well or skillfully but I do it anyway. Because it is like laying out the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle and turning them all over. I get the edges and then I can work on the body.
I had an icident at work yesterday. One of my teachers was crying at my desk when I came in. I asked her what was going on. She had gotten an awful email from her mentally ill mother who is on medication for her mental illness and drinking on top of that. The letter said that her mother did not want to talk to any of her children or get emails from them or talk to them on the phone. It went on for five pages of closely typed attack. and she threatened suicide. This girl knows that she can alert the authorities in her mother's town to that. That was not the issue. The issue was one of repeated abandonment paired with the occaisional presence of a caring parent. Which one will we get today? I know that story. From both my parents. I had the opportunity to share some of my experiences with her and to reassure her that she is not responsible for her mother's choices. they are not a reflection on her.
And another problem we have been having at school was peeled a bit when the teacher said that seh sees her mother in another teacher that she does not get along with. Yes, oh yes. People and events in the present that cause us (me) to overreact are not usually about the present. Sometimes they are triggers for painful experiences from the past that I could not react to at the time. It was not safe. Now it is safe but the situation does not warrent such a strong reaction. That, for me, is a huge clue that the present is pulling on threads from the past.
When we talked and shared what it was like for us it opens a door to trust and compassion.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
casting spells
I own a pair of skis with boots and poles so small that only the three year olds and some tiny four year olds can fit in the boots. I also own adult skis, poles, and boots. I have not skied in a while.
But a year or so ago my dad gave me a steamer trunk of my grandparents and inside were my skis from long ago. I took them out, looked at them and put them in a corner of a little used room. And there they stayed. Then, earlier this week one of my students began talking excitedly of an upcoming ski trip with her mother. She asked me if I had ever been to Seven Springs. So I told her that I had, indeed, and to several other ski lodges in the area and we went to Canada for two weeks every winter. Everyone says how lucky I was. Yes, in some ways I was. I had skis and all the appropriate clothing to go skiing in Canada. -30 F and they don't factor in the wind chill. One day the wind was blowing so hard the chairs were blowing sideways. But they did not cancel ski school. No. We duck walked up the hill! But I did have fun. I liked ski school. What caused me problems was skiing with my parents. Mum had her issues but was easier to ski with. But too into what I was doing wrong. Dad was a horror. Screaming, leaving me in the snow if I fell, leaving me to be scooped up by a complete stranger and put on the chair lift. Leaving me to be pulled out of a snowbank by someone else's dad. He had rules. No going in before lunch no matter what, kids carry their own skis and boots, No crying, and his children were destined for the winter olympics. (in HIS mind anyway). How do I explain the bad mojo that was on those baby skis and on the big ones? Once when my mother commented that I looked like a professional skier in a race in Canada my dad proceeded to list all the things I had done wrong. I was 10.
Skiing with my dad was not a good experience. but he always thought it was a great way to bond with us. We weren't bonding, we were watching him closely to see if he was going to explode or hit us or storm off and leave us. Yeah, yeah, we were paying attention. (Cause not paying attention got a swift smack.) But bonding, not really.
But I told the kids I had little skis and they wanted to see them. So I brought them in to school. I teach in a really cool school. I discovered that the boots were too small for all but the littlest kids. (I had to wear four pair of socks to make them fit when I first got them.) I also discovered that it is really hard to gets kids feet into ski boots. But we got them on three brave little souls. We went outside to the playground and skied on a gentle little slope. They had fun. Even the kids who were too big for the skis had fun helping the little ones. When they got their skis crossed I picked them up so they could straighten out their skis. (I learned that kick up one ski trick quite young cause my dad had a no helping rule). When they fell I picked them up. If they were scared I held them up. When they were done I took off the skis. When they were cold and had snow in their jackets we went inside. I told them how brave they were. We stopped when it was not fun anymore.
I cast a new spell on a pair of old blue skis. A spell of fun and respect and love.
With the help of some awesome little kids.
But a year or so ago my dad gave me a steamer trunk of my grandparents and inside were my skis from long ago. I took them out, looked at them and put them in a corner of a little used room. And there they stayed. Then, earlier this week one of my students began talking excitedly of an upcoming ski trip with her mother. She asked me if I had ever been to Seven Springs. So I told her that I had, indeed, and to several other ski lodges in the area and we went to Canada for two weeks every winter. Everyone says how lucky I was. Yes, in some ways I was. I had skis and all the appropriate clothing to go skiing in Canada. -30 F and they don't factor in the wind chill. One day the wind was blowing so hard the chairs were blowing sideways. But they did not cancel ski school. No. We duck walked up the hill! But I did have fun. I liked ski school. What caused me problems was skiing with my parents. Mum had her issues but was easier to ski with. But too into what I was doing wrong. Dad was a horror. Screaming, leaving me in the snow if I fell, leaving me to be scooped up by a complete stranger and put on the chair lift. Leaving me to be pulled out of a snowbank by someone else's dad. He had rules. No going in before lunch no matter what, kids carry their own skis and boots, No crying, and his children were destined for the winter olympics. (in HIS mind anyway). How do I explain the bad mojo that was on those baby skis and on the big ones? Once when my mother commented that I looked like a professional skier in a race in Canada my dad proceeded to list all the things I had done wrong. I was 10.
Skiing with my dad was not a good experience. but he always thought it was a great way to bond with us. We weren't bonding, we were watching him closely to see if he was going to explode or hit us or storm off and leave us. Yeah, yeah, we were paying attention. (Cause not paying attention got a swift smack.) But bonding, not really.
But I told the kids I had little skis and they wanted to see them. So I brought them in to school. I teach in a really cool school. I discovered that the boots were too small for all but the littlest kids. (I had to wear four pair of socks to make them fit when I first got them.) I also discovered that it is really hard to gets kids feet into ski boots. But we got them on three brave little souls. We went outside to the playground and skied on a gentle little slope. They had fun. Even the kids who were too big for the skis had fun helping the little ones. When they got their skis crossed I picked them up so they could straighten out their skis. (I learned that kick up one ski trick quite young cause my dad had a no helping rule). When they fell I picked them up. If they were scared I held them up. When they were done I took off the skis. When they were cold and had snow in their jackets we went inside. I told them how brave they were. We stopped when it was not fun anymore.
I cast a new spell on a pair of old blue skis. A spell of fun and respect and love.
With the help of some awesome little kids.
Monday, January 24, 2011
And I had a sort of interesting insight this morning. I was reading my
morning readings and one of them triggered me to reflect on what I felt
like a month ago, nine months ago, in the middle of those months. And it
struck me just how bad it was. Not that I didn't know that when I was
there, but from the place I am now I am rather surprised at how well I
managed. I really was suicidal, I really was depressed, I really wanted
to make it all go away. I can't say I really wanted to drink but that
was one way that I knew I could get a kind of relief. (temporary and
with it's own kind of hell) But I was seriously looking for chemical
relief. I am so glad the liver damage was already in my file. I think
it would have been a longer process if it had been easier.
I was vulnerable and felt unsafe, I felt like I was lost and broken in a
foreign land. I felt threatened and unsteady. And I was not only not
sure there was any support for me anywhere, I was sure that whatever
entity that could provide support would refuse. I looked at many things
about myself that I have been looking away from all my life. To the
point that when I could have looked at them I was so good at not seeing
them I still couldn't look at them. Until last summer and fall. I really
think that if I had not allowed myself to just walk through that and see
it and feel the pain I had repressed my whole life it would have done far
more damage than the actual event or the seeing of them.
Not that there are no more of those experiences. There may be. I had
one while telling Lisa about the grandmother. But since there was no
wall up I saw the look on her face and processed , on the spot. Oh, this
is one of those things that we pretend is normal in my family but is
really traumatic and horrible. Oh. So, nothing exploded and I was able
to see how sad and traumatic that was for my grandmother and some of the
consequences it had for her family and for me through my mother. Without
having to work through all the processes of repression that hampered me
before. That was done.
I am really glad that I allowed myself to walk through a really difficult
place even though I thought I might be there a really, really long time.
(Like forever)
Because whatever work may come, I have not only the experience of having
done that but I learned some stuff about myself, and my family that let
the process move more smoothly and not take nine months.
And I learned about how to comfort myself. That was a concept that I had
not even understood to be possible. Bob explained it to me like I was a
small, mentally retarded child. And in that way, I was. I can see him,
very slowly explaining what *sensory* meant.
I don't know if I expressed that well, but I was struck with a huge sense
of gratitude for the experience and the things I learned and that it is
not like that now. And really amazed that I DID that! Like one of the
kids.
And I also think that I picked up some loose threads of my sobriety along
the way. I think I suspected they were there but they were not visible.
morning readings and one of them triggered me to reflect on what I felt
like a month ago, nine months ago, in the middle of those months. And it
struck me just how bad it was. Not that I didn't know that when I was
there, but from the place I am now I am rather surprised at how well I
managed. I really was suicidal, I really was depressed, I really wanted
to make it all go away. I can't say I really wanted to drink but that
was one way that I knew I could get a kind of relief. (temporary and
with it's own kind of hell) But I was seriously looking for chemical
relief. I am so glad the liver damage was already in my file. I think
it would have been a longer process if it had been easier.
I was vulnerable and felt unsafe, I felt like I was lost and broken in a
foreign land. I felt threatened and unsteady. And I was not only not
sure there was any support for me anywhere, I was sure that whatever
entity that could provide support would refuse. I looked at many things
about myself that I have been looking away from all my life. To the
point that when I could have looked at them I was so good at not seeing
them I still couldn't look at them. Until last summer and fall. I really
think that if I had not allowed myself to just walk through that and see
it and feel the pain I had repressed my whole life it would have done far
more damage than the actual event or the seeing of them.
Not that there are no more of those experiences. There may be. I had
one while telling Lisa about the grandmother. But since there was no
wall up I saw the look on her face and processed , on the spot. Oh, this
is one of those things that we pretend is normal in my family but is
really traumatic and horrible. Oh. So, nothing exploded and I was able
to see how sad and traumatic that was for my grandmother and some of the
consequences it had for her family and for me through my mother. Without
having to work through all the processes of repression that hampered me
before. That was done.
I am really glad that I allowed myself to walk through a really difficult
place even though I thought I might be there a really, really long time.
(Like forever)
Because whatever work may come, I have not only the experience of having
done that but I learned some stuff about myself, and my family that let
the process move more smoothly and not take nine months.
And I learned about how to comfort myself. That was a concept that I had
not even understood to be possible. Bob explained it to me like I was a
small, mentally retarded child. And in that way, I was. I can see him,
very slowly explaining what *sensory* meant.
I don't know if I expressed that well, but I was struck with a huge sense
of gratitude for the experience and the things I learned and that it is
not like that now. And really amazed that I DID that! Like one of the
kids.
And I also think that I picked up some loose threads of my sobriety along
the way. I think I suspected they were there but they were not visible.
triggered trauma
I had an experience at a meeting yesterday where something that was read triggered childhood abuse trauma issues. and then it was made more intense by soemthing that was siand at breakfast afterward. It took me the rest of yesterday and today to figure out what had happened there.
It was something about someone's Higher Power using pain to *get their attention*. Yeah, see I'm working through people and powers that I trust NOT using pain to get mya ttetion because that is abusive.
Pain as a natural event because something hurts or because my actions cause me pain as a consequence of some unskillful choice I have made is different than the smack upside the head that I pictured.
I thought I needed to do an inventory to figure out what I had done wrong. No. I needed to inventory my reaction and see what the root of it was. I can have a painful reaction to something that has little basis in the present situation but deep roots in painful shildhood trauma. I helps that I can do this in days and not weeks or months now. Nice.
It was something about someone's Higher Power using pain to *get their attention*. Yeah, see I'm working through people and powers that I trust NOT using pain to get mya ttetion because that is abusive.
Pain as a natural event because something hurts or because my actions cause me pain as a consequence of some unskillful choice I have made is different than the smack upside the head that I pictured.
I thought I needed to do an inventory to figure out what I had done wrong. No. I needed to inventory my reaction and see what the root of it was. I can have a painful reaction to something that has little basis in the present situation but deep roots in painful shildhood trauma. I helps that I can do this in days and not weeks or months now. Nice.
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