It 's about the spiral of the work because I have been there before but this time I moved through it quicker. Cause I've been here before. It's not new and devasting and totally unfamiliar.

The spiral of the work

On Friday I went to the Group Conscience of my home group. I will not take a lot of time explaining what that is right now. Very briefly, it is the means by which A.A. groups come to decisions that effect their group which are supposed to be the manifestation of the Higher Power's will (for the group). Most group conscience meetings are run by some sort of Robert's Rules of Order mode. Most take place with the group sitting down at a table. They are usually facilitated by the secretary or some other group member. People generally take turns talking, listen, do not interrupt, etc. this particular group does not sit, they stand. That way the meeting won't take too long. They do not use Robert's Rules of Order or anybody else's rules of order. Generally, people do take turns to talk and usually listen. But Friday night that did not happen. First, I was asked to talk and then shushed, and so I began to shut down. (not that I knew that then) And then this woman got really big and angry and started using an angry voice and waving her arms around and my shut down was complete. The rest of the room was grey fog. All I could see was her. I did not know what was happening at the time. All I knew was that I needed to get away and that I was going to burst into tears. So I left and went and sat in my car until I was calm enough to drive home.

The next day I had the chance to talk to another survivour about what had happened and how I had reacted. Trauma survivours can be reacting to old emotions as well as the new ones that triggered the old ones all at the same time. The clue is how over the top is my reaction in relation to the events. It took me until Saturday night to realise that that was what had happened. And also to see that being shushed triggered all the times I was told I did not know what I knew, had not seen what I saw, had not heard what I heard, etc. And then the woman who was so angry, and yes, it was directed at me. I felt threatened and then it was all over. I could not access my words or think or anything. But I could leave. And I did.

I will not be going to group conscience meetings anymore. For now. Maybe never. I do not know if I am going to the meeting. I would like to. I do not know what I will do. And for now that's okay.
If I need to talk to that woman, I'll know it. If I need to address how the group conscience meetings are run I'll know it.

The important thing for today is that I did what I needed to do to take care of myself and whatever anyone else thinks about that is not my business. Taking care of me is my business.

annoyed

having to have a google account for the class I'm taking, not to mention a google eportfolio is really making it tricky to access THIS blog. WHY?? does it have to be so tricky?